You have a “towards problem”

Sports competition often provides us with comic relief. The more down time between shots or plays gives more time for one liners and jokes. Golf is ideal for comedy for this reason, especially when you fail more in golf than you succeed which offers fodder.

While golfing with an elderly couple with whom we were paired, my wife was apprised by the gentleman late in the round that he had diagnosed her swing  problem. On the 17th fairway, he quietly said she had a “towards problem.” A “towards problem” she exclaimed. “What is that?” He said, “Your are hitting the ball towards the wrong direction.”

On another occasion, yet another elderly couple played with us. I think we attract them when we play, but now we are the elderly couple. Again, the man said to my wife on the infamous 17th hole he also had diagnosed her problem. As she was all ears, he said, “You are standing too close to the ball after you hit it.”

I used to golf with my boss, who had many one liners, some courtesy of TV evangelist Reverend Ernest Angley. If he hit into the woods, he would say, “Out Satan” or “Be healed” using his best Ernest drawl. If a tree knocked it back into the fairway, he would say “I played it off the tree.” Or, if he hit a ball into the water and it splashed out, he would say, “This game is easier when you know where all the rocks are.”

One of my favorite golfing buddies loved to offer his sayings. When he had a nice swing pattern going, he would say, “That swing was smoother than a prom queen’s thigh.” Another friend when he pulled the ball left, would call it a “Babe Ruth.” When we asked what a Babe Ruth was, he said “Yeh. A dead yank.” Another popular golf saying I think is traced to Lee Trevino, the very funny pro. He routinely hit a nice fade shot, not unlike Ben Hogan. Lee would say, “You can talk to a fade, but a hook just won’t listen.”

Some of the sayings are not very flattering, so I will leave those behind. It should not be a surprise when a guy says something that could be offensive. Much teasing can go on when your fellow foursome member tops it, hits it into the woods, does not hit past the ladies’ tee box, hits it out-of-bounds or misses an easy putt. It should be noted, my golf swing created many a comment like this.

But, the funniest line I ever heard on a golf course was by a sassy beverage cart woman. She did not take guff from anyone. One day, she had a stone hanging from a necklace. When our group inquired about it, she said “It is a sex stone.”   We asked what it did to deserve such a name. After sufficient baiting and time, she said “You don’t get it. It is just a f**king rock.”

On that note, I will say sayonara. May you find your golf balls in bounds and on the green ground. Please share some of your favorites, whether they are golf or another sport.


14 thoughts on “You have a “towards problem”

    • I resemble that style as well. I had another boss, who was even more extreme as we would only see him on the tee box and green. He soul often play a different hole.

  1. Note to Readers: While I don’t drink now, I used to play golf with a friend who identified his thirst for a beer with “I need to find some wheat.” It should be noted he is a good golfer, but his golf score correlated rising with how much wheat he consumed. Occasionally, we had a friend of his join us. One day when we were playing two foursomes, we were in the second foursome, with a good friend named Dennis wearing an oversized Hawaiian shirt in front up on the green. The rather drunk partner of ours was looking up at the green and asked who that was in the flowery, big shirt. When we told him, he squinted and said “I don’t think I can drink her pretty.”

  2. My favorite from Lee Travino (he was full of good ones) was “It’s not the clubs. Believe me, I’ve got a closet full of clubs and it’s not the clubs.” I remember this whenever I think it’s the club’s fault!

      • Hugh, I should have mentioned the guy who impersonated Ernest Angley, met Trevino in a take out line at McDonalds in Dallas. He had just won the tournament and my friend complimented him on a key bunker shot. Trevino said thanks, but added what keeps me from digging ditches is my 5 iron. He said that was the first club he got, so he relentlessly practiced with it, so he had his most confidence with that stick in his hands. The practice gave him confidence as it could have been a six iron.

  3. Note to Readers: If you ever wondered if God has a sense of humor, go to the golf course. Other than egos, none of the following were hurt badly. A buddy of mine injured his leg, when a mutual friend backed over him in the cart. Another friend drove the cart into the lake when he got too close. Another friend tried to hit a ball near tree, his club wrapped around the tree and the club head hit him in the face knocking him flat. Another friend was left with golf dimples, while standing ten feet behind a golfer about two feet ahead was struck by a hit golf ball that went over the golfer’s shoulder – the darnedest ball flight I have ever witnessed. There should be a sign – Beware of Other Golfers.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.