Today, Donald Trump held a press conference and announced “I am here to say without a doubt, the Pope is Catholic. Believe me.” He went on to say, “I blame Crooked Hillary Clinton for telling everyone he was a Protestant. No one, not even the Bishops, not even the Cardinals know more about Catholicism than I do.”
He went on to explain that he is not a fan of this Pope as he believes climate change is a real problem. “We all know climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese to steal our jobs.” Plus, he said the Pope worries about the poor too much. If they are losing their jobs or are unable to pay bills due to my stiffing them due to bankruptcies and cash management issues, then “that is their problem,” said Trump. He went on to say, “I am businessman,” to justify his looking out only for his interests.
He also said he doesn’t like this Pope because he says we should not be building walls, we should be building bridges. “We will build the biggest wall and get Mexico to pay for it. They are all rapists and criminals,” said Trump.
Trump said he was not a big fan of the Pope washing the feet of a Muslim. “Can you believe the head guy would wash the feet of a Muslim?” he asked. Trump went on to ask, “Can you believe this guy does not want to live in luxury and chooses to live in a smaller apartment? What kind of leader wants to turn his back on luxury which exhibits true power? I am rich. It is OK for me to show it.”
Note to Readers: The first and last paragraphs use fictitious quotes, while the middle paragraphs use paraphrased quotes from actual things the candidate has said about these issues in his history.