Racing in Texas

My grandmother had a lot of character, but she also was a character. She loved to tell stories, the funnier the better. And, we have learned from her keepsakes, she would write down funny stories she came across. Going through my mother’s things, we came across the following story her mother recorded.

Racing in Texas

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church. Being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at a local auction, going prices were so steep, the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured since he had it he might as well enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the racing news carried this headline:

“Preacher’s ass shows”

The preacher was so pleased, he entered it in the races again and this time he won. The news read:

“Preacher’s ass out in front”

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity, he ordered the preacher not to enter it in another race. The newspaper head lines that day read:

“Bishop scratches preacher’s ass”

It was too much for the bishop. He ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in the nearby convent. The headline the next day:

“Nun has best ass in town”

The bishop fainted and informed the nun she would have to get rid of the donkey. She found a farmer willing to buy the animal for $10.00. The next day, the paper stated:

“Nun peddles ass for ten bucks”

They buried the bishop the next day.

My grandmother died almost twenty years ago, but her memory lives on. She was indeed a character. So, were her many brothers and sisters. We called her Big Mama, just like the matriarch in “Cat on a hot tin roof.” Unlike the character in the play, my Big Mama was very much her own person and would have given it right back to Big Daddy.  I miss her.

16 thoughts on “Racing in Texas

  1. Note to Readers: I shared the story where Big Mama was the head of a the Men’s Department of the local store of a large retail chain. She worked for her boss before he sold his store to the bigger company. When the President of the company visited, he borrowed her pen and pocketed it. She said Mr. B., that is my pen. My boss is to cheap to give us pens, as he stood there cheapish.”

    I visited her several timea a year while in college a couple of hours away. When i asked her if I could sit in her chair when she got up, she said, “they are all my chairs, but you can sit in that one.”

  2. Note to Readers – Part 2: She was not alone in being a character in her family of twelve – the rhythm method was not effective birth control. One of her older brothers told of the story where he was in a double hospital room. The doctor took the other patient’s temperature rectally, then dipped it in alcohol to take my great Uncle’s orally. He declined.

    The doctor said “Mr. C, I can assure you that what I put the thermometer is 100% pure alcohol.”

    To which my Uncle replied, “No doubt. But, what you took it out of is 100% pure a**hole.”

    We all knew that this did not happen to him, but it was still a great story.

  3. Note to Readers – Part 3: I only met my real grandfather once. After divorcing him, Big Mama married a house building contractor who was the only grandfather I knew. He was as quiet as she was so loquacious, but they loved each other.

    When he got mad at her, he would refer to her as “Madam.” She, of course, knew this as well. The maddest she ever got happened when he pulled her rose garden up to plant a small vegetable garden. Without asking her.

    The only reason I knew this story is she would argue with him long after he died as she recounted the stories. While visiting for Thanskgiving, her arthritic hands got so bad, I would cut up the celery and onions for her cornbread dressing. When she advised me I was doing this incorrectly, I said “Big Mama, don’t point at me with that crooked finger.” She laughed so hard.

  4. 😀 This reminds me of an episode of an old Texas TV show called “Hill Country Reporter” from the 1990s. It was all about Texas story-tellers. It had some very funny stories by grizzled old Texans. Not this exact story, mind you, but several that made use of the confusion from using the Biblical word for donkey. Thanks for sharing this.

    • Thanks Mickey. It may have very well come from the old storytellers that were given a wider audience late in life.

      I remember an old Jerry Clower story which involved a man coming across a Bobcat at night in a tree. After a tussle, he asked his friends below to shoot the thing. When they complained it was too dark, the man in the tree said, “Shoot up here amongst us, as one of us has got’s to get some relief.” Keith

  5. Dear Keith,

    My mother-in-law was very much like your big Momma and so, I get why you miss her company.
    She was a favorite among the grandkids. She is someone I miss because of her colorful way with words and her stories which were often on the naughty side. Too often my father-in-law and husband found her ways to be embarrassing. They never appreciated the reality that there was a reason that she was the one favored by most folks. She was fun to be with as well as being very insightful and thoughtful.

    Hugs, Gronda

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