A few funnies

Comedian Tom Arnold was asked a question on “The View” that was personal and evolved out of the table conversation. “How long does it take for sex at your house?” He responded to the surprise of others, “Thirty minutes.” When questioned, he said “Yea, 5 minutes for foreplay, 5 minutes for sex and twenty minutes to get the pillows off the bed.”

On the CBS TV show “Mom,” the mother and daughter were sharing a bedroom. The daughter got up, went to urinate and came back to bed. The mother said “You didn’t wash your hands.” The daughter replied testily “I didn’t touch anything!”

One of the funniest, recurring lines was provided by the oldest of three brothers when they arrived at the inn on The Bob Newhart Show. Larry would say “This is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl.” The two Daryl’s never spoke on the show. Newhart often let his ensemble cast get the limelight on his two long-running shows.

A real life funny happened to one of my close friends and his wife. He got a call from his mother-in-law who was very worried about his wife. Mom had been talking to daughter and the phone went silent. My friend rushed home to see if there was a problem. He walked in and found his wife on the couch taking a nap. Waking her, she saw the phone on her chest and exclaimed, “Oh my God, I fell asleep on Mom!”

The funniest movie line was saved by Rob Reiner for his mother in “When Harry met Sally.” After Sally vividly and audibly demonstrates to Harry in a cafe how a woman can fake an orgasm, Reiner’s mother who observed all of this responded to a waiter “I’ll have what she’s having.”

Please feel free to add any funny stories or jokes from real life or TV, movie or theater performances.

11 thoughts on “A few funnies

  1. Thanks, Keith, for some much needed laughs this evening!!! I’m still scratching my head over the first one, though … I’ll figure it out sooner or later. When I worked at Honda, an employee hit a deer with his car on the way to work early one morning. At the lunch table that day, he made a funny, saying, “Heck, I don’t need a gun … I’ve got a Honda!” I didn’t get it, and of course I wasn’t about to say so. A few days later, all of a sudden the light bulb came on and I got it!

  2. Come on! The funniest line ever in a movie was uttered by Struther Martin in “Butch Cassidy” who told Butch and Sundown that they need not worry about protecting the gold they were hired to protect until they actually had the gold and started back up the mountain. “Morons on my team!” Spot on and more and more true each day!!

    • Hugh, that was a classic. Of course, I will always remember Strother Martin, not trying to be funny, saying in “Cool Hand Luke,” “What we got here is a FAILure to communicate!” Thanks Hugh, Keith

      • Hugh, there was another funny line in Butch Cassidy, when Sundance told Butch “I can’t swim!” after they argued over fighting vs jumping off a cliff into a river. Keith

  3. I’m going with an exchange from the Marx Bros Film ‘Duck Soup’. Between Mrs Teasdale (Margaret Dumont) and Rufus T Firefly (Groucho Marx):
    Mrs. Teasdale: The future of Freedonia rests on you. Promise me you’ll follow in the footsteps of my husband.
    Firefly: How do you like that? I haven’t been on the job five minutes, and already she’s making advances to me…Not that I care, but where is your husband?
    Mrs. Teasdale: Why…He’s dead.
    Firefly: I’ll bet he’s just using that as an excuse.
    Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him till the very end.
    Firefly: Hmm! No wonder he passed away.
    Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms…And kissed him.
    Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder!

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