You have a “towards” problem – revised old edition

Since we are in need of humor, the following is a revised reprise of an earlier post from several years ago. Although I left out some of the more colorful metaphors, I did include one or two that might sit less well, so please forgive. My wife does not like the prom queen reference, for example, but I wanted to deliver the line as uttered.

Sports competition often provides us with comic relief. The more down time between shots or plays gives more time for one liners and jokes. Golf is ideal for comedy for this reason, especially when you fail more in golf than you succeed which offers fodder.

While golfing with an elderly couple with whom we were paired, my wife was apprised by the gentleman late in the round that he had diagnosed her swing  problem. On the 17th fairway, he quietly said she had a “towards problem.” A “towards problem” she exclaimed. “What is that?” He said, “Your are hitting the ball towards the wrong direction.”

On another occasion, yet another elderly couple played with us. I think we attract them when we play, but now we are the elderly couple. Again, the man said to my wife on the infamous 17th hole he also had diagnosed her problem. As she was all ears, he said, “You are standing too close to the ball after you hit it.”

I have seen some strange things on the golf course, some that I have done, as well. I watched the wife of a friend hit the ball and it went through her legs and struck a male friend in the face standing behind her, maybe two feet ahead. She swung and he sprawled leaving a golf dimple mark in his face – he was OK. I had a boss who could hit the ball a long way, but straight was usually not the direction. He would normally play the hole from another hole adjacent to the one we were on (a definite “towards” problem).

I used to golf with another boss, who had many one liners, some courtesy of TV evangelist Reverend Ernest Angley. If he hit into the woods, he would say, “Out Satan” or “Be healed” using his best Ernest southern drawl. If a tree knocked it back into the fairway, he would say “I played it off the tree.” Or, if he hit a ball into the water and it splashed out, he would say, “This game is easier when you know where all the rocks are.”

One of my favorite golfing buddies loved to offer his sayings. When he had a nice swing pattern going, he would say, “That swing was smoother than a prom queen’s thigh.” Another friend when he pulled the ball way left, would call it a “Babe Ruth.” When we asked what a Babe Ruth was, he said “It is a dead yank.” 

Another popular golf saying I think is traced to Lee Trevino, the very funny pro. He routinely hit a nice fade shot, not unlike Ben Hogan. Lee would say, “You can talk to a fade, but a hook just won’t listen.” When my Ernest Angley quoting friend lived in Dallas, he saw Lee in a McDonalds the day after Trevino won the tournament in Dallas. My friend complimented Lee on a memorable chip shot, but Trevino responded “Thanks, but I really have to thank my five iron, as it is the club that keeps me from having to dig ditches.”

Some of the sayings are not very flattering, so I will leave those behind. It should not be a surprise when a guy says something that could be offensive. Much teasing can go on when your fellow foursome member tops it, hits it into the woods, does not hit past the ladies’ tee box, hits it out-of-bounds or misses an easy putt. It should be noted, my golf swing created many a comment like this.

But, the funniest line I ever heard on a golf course was by a sassy beverage cart woman. She did not take guff from anyone which served her well around her usual customer base. One day, she had a stone hanging from a necklace. When our group inquired about it, she said “It is a sex stone.”   We asked what it did to deserve such a name. After sufficient baiting and time, she said “You don’t get it. It is just a f**king rock.”

On that note, I will say sayonara. May you find your golf balls in bounds and on the green ground. Please share some of your favorites, whether they are golf or another sport.

21 thoughts on “You have a “towards” problem – revised old edition

  1. Funny stuff, Keith. I got a chuckle from an old guy I was playing with in a match. His opponent had a 3-foot putt to win the hole and he says, “Knock it close.”

    On Mon, Feb 8, 2021 at 8:39 AM musingsofanoldfart wrote:

    > Keith posted: ” Since we are in need of humor, the following is a revised > reprise of an earlier post from several years ago. Although I left out some > of the more colorful metaphors, I did include one or two that might sit > less well, so please forgive. My wife does not l” >

    • Taylor, terrific to hear from you. Thanks for offering that funny addition. You reminded me of playing golf with clients, where every putt of the client’s within four feet is good, just pick it up. Pass along my regard to your bride and uncle. My guess is your kids are out of college? Keith

  2. I would be lethal with a golf club, but enjoyed the jokes Keith.
    The great British broadcaster Alistair Cooke was an avid golfer and often in his ‘Letters From America’ he would pay tribute to a golfing great or pass commentary on either an historic or recent tournament. Now there is one incident he came up with but I cannot for the life of me remember the golfer he ascribed this to. Perhaps you know.
    Anyway it went like this and is true.
    There was a course, either new or recently (then) changed and many of the professionals were complaining about a particular bunker, except for one who was to have laconically said.
    ‘ Supposed to keep out of bunkers’
    Does that ring a bell?

    • Roger, that sounds like a Ben Hogan type comment. Over your way, Tiger Woods set an Open Championship victory margin record at St. Andrews by staying out of all bunkers for all 72 holes of play. So, there must be something to it. Keith

      • Must be.
        There was a British journalist, now passed on Michael Green, who wrote a series of books called ”The Art of Coarse…’ accounts of his misadventures in various sports and pass times.
        The one on Golf was the first I bought and even though I had never played the humour simply flowed across and I got the jokes.
        His passages on how to get around the problem of swearing gave such sage advice as:
        1. After every curse add ‘As George Bernard Shaw would put it’ thus giving it a literary merit.
        2. Inventing your own words. He claimed he had made up ‘Fornacazoni’ and when asked what that was would claim it was an old Italian oath ‘May your grandmother turn into a three legged pig’.
        3. He also headed each chapter with a quote, my favourite being ‘Bear like I must fight the course’- MacBeth.

      • Roger, I like the George Bernard Shaw reference to make your cursing more literate. Many of the sayings by guys cannot be repeated. However, there is no other place where my dear wife will be prone to curse a bad shot than on the golf course. Keith

  3. Note to Readers: Did I tell you about the time I birdied a beautiful par 5 overlooking this lake, walked to the next tee, then whiffed on my tee ball. For those who have not clued in to the term “whiff” it means the club head missed the ball. God does have sense of humor.

  4. Not golf, or even sports, but somewhere in the biography of Julia Child entituled “My Life in France” is a career Foreign Service consul saying “You can’t fertilize a five-acre field by farting through the fence!”!

    • FC, that is quite funny and unfortunately you placed an image in my mind that I did not need. My wife and I have been enjoying the new BBC updated show “All creatures great and small,” about a young Scottish vet practicing in a small English countryside town. I could see that phrase being used therein. Keith

      • FC, the new version is good. We watch on PBS every Sunday night. My wife remembers the earlier episodes, she thinks in the 1970s. They have done about five episodes, thus far. Keith

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