Sometimes workplace humor offers the funniest lines, as they are unexpected. Even in working for a large, staid bank for about four years, I came across some funny things. Some of these I have used before, but have placed them all together for your reading (hopefully) pleasure.
A new state banking president had just moved into their headquarters and was outside smoking a cigarette due to a ban on indoor smoking. To be frank, the president was probably not the one you would pick out of a line-up as the president, so a woman smoking outside asked “I have not seen you before, what department do you work in?” When he responded sheepishly, “I am the new president of the bank,” she responded quickly with “And, I am the Queen of Effing England!”
Following his non-presidential looks to a branch he was touring, the new president was told he resembled their regional manager, a man I will call Bubba Johnson, to preserve his identity. The president spoke to the employees and said “People say I resemble Bubba Johnson, but that cannot be, as Bubba is uglier than a pair of old bowling shoes.”
A young communication analyst was giving guests a tour of the floor her department was on which also was on the same floor where all the Board meetings occurred. On the walls, were pictures of all the bank CEOs and chairmen, gender identity intended. When she got to the hallway, she said to her guests, “And, here is wall with pictures of a bunch of dead white guys.” Observation duly noted.
If you ever worked for a bank or had a relative who did, titles are handed out like candy. I think they are used in part so as to give a lesser raise. So, there are several thousands of assistant vice-presidents and several hundreds of vice-presidents. One of the dilemmas of this construct was uttered by a long-time bank employee who said, “As soon as you give someone a title, they start acting presidential.”
My boss’ boss was someone who tended to invade people’s personal space getting inches from yours when he talked to you. The gender of the other person did not matter, as he was an equal opportunity space invader, pun intended. My boss, though, had a unique way to stave off said invasions. When asked how, he said “Whenever I meet with him, I always make sure there is a piece of furniture between us, a chair, a table, a desk.”
My boss had some of the funniest stories about his time working for a bank, our bank had acquired. The CEO of that bank was the most imperial of presidents I have ever witnessed. There seemingly was no perquisite he did not have. One story is he invited key bank customers to his daughter’s wedding to get the bank to pay for it. Why spend my money he thought?
He also had a chauffeured limousine for protection, which the driver/ bodyguard would circle back and drive his wife around when he was at work. It would do the same for the COO’s wife. Since they argued over the limo, the bank solved the problem by getting a second one. My boss was talking with driver about the error of his process to keep the CEO safe. He said, “You drop him at the door once you get here, but fail to understand that everyone inside wants to kill him.”
One of those perquisites was a lengthy change of control agreement. To get the money, the retired CEO would have to do various things, one of which was to file monthly reports of his activities. When he was about seven months in arrears, the actual CEO was made aware of it. His solution was simple and very effective. “Stop paying him.” Within a few weeks, the retired CEO completed the reports.
Finally, the head of security for the bank had some very funny stories that he could only share in general. A couple of takeaways from his stories are (1) avoid places that have cameras when you are having a sexual encounter with a colleague, which includes stairwells, (2) an irate spouse who confronts her philandering husband at work has a better aim with a hurled coffee cup than you might think, and (3) avoid having an affair with a person whose spouse also works for the bank. Of course, all three could be solved by avoiding the affairs altogether.
I am certain you each have some workplace humor. Please feel free to share your stories.