Strange definition of good men

Someone famous has come to the defense of two men, in essence, claiming each is admirable or a good man. While defending people is normally a good quality, choosing to defend these men, and being relatively silent on women they impacted shows a lack of judgment, ethic and empathy. Saying good things only about the accused and not the alleged victims or the issue shows a tone deafness to women who come forward.

These two men are accused of domestic violence against their three ex-wives. Rob Porter had two restraining orders against him from each of his two wives, Colbie Holderman and Jennifer Willoughby. So, two judges thought the claims of the women were valid so as to issue such an order. David Sorenson was accused by his ex-wife, Jessica Corbett, of being verbally and physically abusive. These accusations were shared with the FBI, which is important, as lying to the FBI is a crime.

The fact these two men were still awaiting security clearance to serve in the White House is important. A boss might ask of the FBI, “Why is this taking so long? Is there a problem?” Or, per some news reports, they may have been aware much earlier. But, the story goes beyond these two men and to two other men – John Kelly and this famous man, Donald Trump. They have both botched this mess and, instead of acting as leaders, they are relatively silent on the victims or what the two men are accused of.

The President did not say one word about the victims on Friday or the alleged heinous act of Porter, choosing only to defend Porter and wish him well. Then, even after the rightful push back, he doubled down on Saturday using different words to say the same thing. The closest he got to the victims was to call the accusations “some true and some false.” The other sad story is Kelly’s reaction and concern over when he knew. Kelly is supposed to be the grown-up in the room, but this is yet another time when he has said or done less than thoughtful things, just like his tempestuous boss.

At least the Vice President gave recognition over his concerns over the actions and the victims. One can defend someone, but not condone the actions and support the victims. Domestic violence experts note it is not uncommon for an abuser to make up for (or hide) his heinous actions by being over-the-top pleasant to others in the work place. So, Porter can be a great guy to have on your team, but be a criminal abuser at home. Domestic violence is all about control, so the abuse is not just physical, it is mental.

As for the President, I view this as a proxy for defending himself, as everything goes back to him and his fragile ego. He has been accused by 19 women of sexual misconduct. He has had numerous affairs, one of which he financially settled before the election. His first wife accused him of raping her in divorce court testimony, but later recanted. And, he would be his worst defense if ever put on trial as he has admitted to recurring sexual misconduct on at least three occasions, the most blatant of which is the Access Hollywood tape.

And, in the past few years, here is a summary of whom he has chosen to defend and not defend. He chose to defend Judge Roy Moore accepting his truth over the teenage girls (now women) whom he sexually harassed, stalked and assaulted. He chose to defend former Fox News President Roger Ailes who was alleged of sexual misconduct where settlements were reached and was eventually fired by his Board. The same support was given to Fox pundit Bill O’Reilly, who also settled claims with several women who accused him.

Trump described all of these accused in varying ways as good men. Yet, one man he did not defend was a prisoner of war and Senator, who he denigrated as “not a hero because he was captured.” He did not defend and denigrated two Gold Star parents who lost their child in war as they dared criticize him for not knowing what the constitution was all about. More sadly, I could go on.

Based on this man’s history of sexual misconduct and litigation, I remain incredulous he was elected President of the United States. His five biographers noted before the election, do not think this man will change and all of sudden become Presidential. When he slips up and does something that is such, it is actually newsworthy. Defending people is one thing, but not tolerating what they are accused of and giving credence to the victims’ claims is essential. Porter may be a good guy to you, but two judges thought he had to be restrained from seeing his wives.

Note: In the volunteer work I have done with working homeless families, about 1/3 of our clients lost their home as a result of a domestic violence situation. DV is all about control. If you know of anyone who cannot explain bruises or is missing family events on short notice or confides in you, encourage them to get help and find a way to get out. The abuser will not change, as the success rate of such is low.