Find your moments

The talk has turned political. You are at work, a reunion, a party, at church, etc. What should you do? Do you exit the conversation voting with your feet? Do you lean-in with disagreement? Or, should we channel our inner Daryl Davis and listen? Listen not to respond, but listen to hear first, understand second. Then, you can respond..

Who is Daryl Davis you may ask? Davis is a black man who has had numerous discussions with members of the KKK, actually convincing over 200 of them to quit the KKK and give him their robes. How does he do it? He asks them questions. Then he listens. He said people just want to be heard. If you listen, then you have the opportunity to ask questions.

What you choose to do is your call, but if you give like you want to get, you might get heard. If you look for some common ground, you might get heard. If you avoid name calling, you might get heard. If you do the opposite of the above, you will be just getting a glazed over look. I also recognize you must pick your audience and time, as some folks are more strident in their views. Plus, being critical in a large group puts people on the defensive.

On this latter point, one could say “That is an interesting viewpoint, let’s talk about it after dinner?” I have spoken with friends and relatives who are ardent MAGA fans. I have also spoken with some relatives who like to argue.

But, even with these folks, you can find common ground. The most strident of MAGA fans will usually agree with this statement, “I wish Donald Trump would tweet less as he is his own worst enemy.” I can usually say something like this without getting someone’s dander up. When he was removed from Twitter, they did all of us, including the former president, a favor. We now hear fewer of his divisive opinions.

One of the other things I have found will get heard is focusing on real issues, not contrived ones. Issues like concern over the decline in fresh water, the increase in plastics in the ocean, the impact of climate change making forest fires, droughts and flooding worse, the increase in food waste, the increase in US debt and deficit, the decline in our infrastructure, etc. are safer than wedge issues created to divide us.

If someone wants to speak about wedge issues or issues that you disagree with them on, find your moments. If you ask questions and listen, you may find an opportunity to discuss. But, the key is to listen – hear them first. I have found that too many people are not too keen on the why’s and far too keen on the who’s. My tribe said this, so this is what I believe.

If you listened to them articulate what an opinion show host said or what someone on social media said, then you can say, “I hear what you are saying, but do you truly believe that?’ Or, you might say, “I must confess, I don’t find that to be true.” Again, if we listened, we can push back in the manner we wished to be pushed back on. Yet, if you lead without listening, your push back may not get heard.

I recognize fully the above discussion won’t solve our problems, but if our goal is to get heard, we need to start by listening. Last night, I shared with my sons that Senator Bernie Sanders is out talking with Republicans to hear what they are saying, so he can share his thoughts. I do not agree with everything Bernie says, but I have always appreciated his candor and being forthright with folks.

Wedge issues are designed to divide us. Often they are designed to sell fear which wins elections. Fear does not solve anything, so we must move past that and speak with others who may not hold our opinion.

Diplomatic Persistence


I have written several times about the dearth in customer service. For the most part, we must be the navigators of our own customer service. Without our diplomatic persistence, we may fail to be served. But, we do need help.

I have been involved the past few days with an entity trying to resolve an arbitrary decision on the part of an internal department which places a burden on me to recoup money owed to my family. I will spare the details, but to prevent them from doing it again on another set of transactions, we had to enlist the help of a customer service person and her manager as advocates.

The role I am being asked to play here is not new and will happen again with another entity. It may even happen with this one, but I sure hope not. Variations of both words in the title are key – diplomacy and persistence. Being a jerk will solve little and will make it harder to get advocacy. The customer service person I was speaking with was just the messenger. Yet, diplomacy also means tactfully sharing your frustration. You want them to agree with you that you have been wronged and she did.

The persistence is vital as well. I often say in follow-up after a reasonable time, “I apologize for being a pest.” Also, the first answer may be “no” as it was in this case because of internal processes, so asking for further advocacy can help, especially when you are in the right. I understood why they did what they did in general for risk management, but our circumstances were unusual and did not fit their norm. So, the internal department’s action unwound something very easy made it more time-consuming and bureaucratic.

On the positive side, after much pleading and with the manager’s advocacy, we got a yes answer with a caveat. That is all I could ask for. I will still have to remedy with another vendor their first decision, but I hopefully prevented them from repeating the process. I am so very thankful to the two people who advocated for us. They are gems.

Customer service has to be customer centric. This situation was resolving a problem this organization caused by internal processes. The group that caused it was not being customer centric, but more risk averse. My wife pointed out that what about people who do not have an understanding of financial matters and accepted decisions that were not appropriate. Or, in this case, may not know to follow-up with the other vendor. They may end up being shortchanged because of an arbitrary decision by an internal group.

Diplomatic persistence is key, but so is knowing where you may have been wronged. But, without the former two words, your hope of getting resolution is lessened. My fingers are crossed that this remedy will remain holding.