My little girl with sunglasses is graduating

Little girls are made for sunglasses and hats. I think most parents have a picture of their girl wearing glasses, a hat and a grin with her head tilted slightly askew, to say without saying it, “Look at me!” We are no exception to this rule and have several of these shots. She has been a charmer from day one and this Dad is hopelessly smitten.

The little girl with sunglasses and hat is turning eighteen soon and will be graduating high school heading off to a college about two hours away. She has grown into a lovely young woman, both inside and out. She likes to wear her hair short and knows precisely who Audrey Hepburn is. She loves Jane Austen and Agatha Christie, but only the ones where Hercule Poirot is the detective. She likes his quirkiness more so than Miss Marple, so she has distinctive tastes.

She cares. She cares about the environment and the impact not treating it well has on us and our animals. She cares that some students do not offer teachers respect in the classroom, seeing much behavior as juvenile. She also cares when some teachers say things they should not say in gest. She cares about good theatre and has acted in a couple of plays – she regrets not more. She has always seemed to carry herself older than her peers. She cares about unfairness and sees me lament about leaders not being honest with their constituents. And, she cares about her brothers and gets along well with them and their friends, with her laughter being a joy to hear.

My wife bumped into someone who she found knew our daughter. Realizing who our child was, she raved about how kind and reflective our daughter is. Parents beam when we hear these remarks. Our daughter is interesting and asks interesting questions. She will ask without prompt, “Dad, how was your day?” She may have learned this from her mother, as her mom would rather you talk about yourself, more than she does. Yet, she seems sincere when she asks.

I will miss our car rides to school. Sometimes we solve the worlds’ problems and sometimes we sit in silence until a visual or audio prompt comes up from the car radio or drive. The best conversations are the small snippets you steal away in moments like that. But, just wishing her well in some manner as she exits the car, matters most. I am there for you. We have a few more of these left and then they will be gone. They will be replaced by moving her in to college, phone calls, texts and visits.

She will do wonderfully. I am excited for the next part of her journey. And, she just got a new pair of prescription sunglasses, so Audrey Hepburn beware.

To honor fathers, let’s cease the we/ they inanity

Happy Father’s Day. As a father of three, my wife and I have done some things right and some things wrong. One of the better things we have done is to not tolerate uncivil behavior among our children to each other or others outside the family. As a result, our kids get along well and we have a great blessing of having their friends enjoy hanging around. As any parent will attest, in any argument, both parties tend to share at least some of the blame for the conflict. Oftentimes, the “what did I do?” culprit did something over time that may have led to the event.

Yet, we seem to have lost that perspective when we see adults acting in a childish we/ they manner in matters of politics, business and religion. The Pew Research Center just completed a survey that defined how polarized Americans are becoming and the lack of mistrust of people who believe differently and the blame they assign to the other side. The survey was more for political beliefs, but it could be expanded as well to other hard belief systems. To me, one of the major culprits in this polarization can be traced back to audience segmentation to sell things in the late 1980s. With the advent of better information, sellers of products and services, have targeted audiences to sell more of what they have to offer. This started bleeding over into politics, where the audiences can be guided to “same-song” messages from sources where you will be more inclined to hear what you want to hear.

When you layer on top of that the significant cost of election campaigns, funders can now more easily invest in politicians that will be more inclined to do what the funder wants. And, the funders can influence elections across the country, which is a huge unfair advantage. As the Brat upset of Cantor in Virginia showed, money cannot always buy elections, but for the most part the level of influence is significant. So, with these factors rolled up together, we are in a constant state of we/ they competition where one side is obligated to disagree with the other side on any issue. We are in a continual campaign state and governance of resolving issues is less a concern until the politicians have to act, but even then it is not a given.

The sad part of all of this is the pawns in this ongoing chess game do not get much consideration. The politicians are playing a zero sum game, where my side must win and your side must lose. But, in the end, the pawns are the ones who usually get screwed. So, this we/ they inanity needs to come to a stop or be identified and discounted. As an independent voter who has been a member of both mainstream parties and votes for both Republicans and Democrats, I can assure you neither party owns all the good ideas. To be frank, I am also seeing some very poor ideas that are being considered and passed. When the modus operandi is to have an opposing view on anything, strange ideas can evolve when the other side is closer to being correct in their issue identification and possible solution than you are.

So, how do we end this we/ they inanity? First, if you think you are always right and the other side is always wrong, you may want look in the mirror. You will see a flawed human being. Second, expose yourself to better information sources. We have two unique sets of news sources in our country with Fox and MSNBC who at best, will give you a spun version of the news. My suggestion is to look to more independent news sources. You will find you disagree with what those sources say at times. Good, as you need to challenge your understanding of the issues. When you only hear a spun version of the news, even-handed news can appear biased.

Third, understand that while everyone has opinion, depending on the subject, some opinions should be discounted while others should be heeded. I tend to avoid “shout shows” where people shout over each other. Usually, the louder the voice or more name-calling, the lesser the person’s argument. Look to read or hear from subject matter experts. This is one of the reasons I watch PBS Newshour and BBC World News America, as they tend to have knowledgeable subject matter guests who are allowed to voice their opinions. Another excellent source is NPR which has knowledgeable guests who agree some, disagree some, but hear the other point of view. Plus, on each of these shows, the reporters and hosts are very knowledgeable themselves and can ask good questions.

Fourth, encourage people to focus on the issues and not who benefits politically. I detest the last subject. I recall Katty Kay from the BBC stopping a guest when he started answering a question with who will benefit politically. She said that was not what she asked. She wanted to know what the impact will be and what should be done about it. That is the question we should be asking. I personally care less who will benefit politically and want us to speak to the issues and problems. I also care less for reporters who focus more on the game of politics and less the issues.

Fifth, ask more questions of people and politicians. “Why do you feel that way?” “Help me understand why this is important?” “Who benefits most from this approach and should we rely as much on data provided by that group?” Also, do your best to understand the context of why something was said and done. To be frank, the Internet demonstrates that anyone can be made to look like an idiot if what they say is taken out of context. That does not mean what they said is not idiotic, but you need to look under the hood and at a person’s track record. Someone who does the right thing 19 times out of 20, has a bigger reserve of good will than someone who often does or says the wrong thing. I would also note “words are cheap.” Many politicians will say nice words, but do the opposite for various reasons.

Sixth and finally, blessed are the peace makers and collaborators. Collaboration is not a bad word and I don’t know how we have made it so. For someone to lose their job for collaborating is inane and a disservice to the American people. Go back to the earlier comments above – no side has all the right answers and both sides have some wrong ones. If you want to discredit someone for collaborating to find a solution we can all work with, then go back and look in that mirror. Our greatness is our diversity of thought and people. Whether it is gender, race, ethnicity, religious belief, or sexual orientation, we all have a perspective worth hearing and understanding. You may not agree with it, but listen and you may learn from it. You may also find more common ground than first believed, which is a foundation to build from.

Let’s honor our fathers by being better citizens and acting more like adults. And, two old quotes bear repeating here. First, “you have two ears and one mouth, so use them in that proportion.” Second, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”This we/ they inanity has to end or be discounted for what it is.





Dad would have been 83 yesterday

Dad’s birthday was yesterday. He would have been 83 years old. He passed away in 2006 and I think about him from time to time. Usually, it is a circumstance that he would have been interested in or it could be I just wanted him to help counsel my boys in college or my daughter in high school from a non-parental view. Mom kept his voice on the answering machine until this past year, when her machine needed replacing. She wanted a man’s voice to dissuade other from thinking there was no man in the house. I must confess, it gave me chills even seven years after his death to hear his voice on the answering machine.

I wrote about “Lessons from Dad” on Father’s Day, 2012. Here is the link: Like all of us, Dad was not perfect, but he was a terrific mentor and role model. His funeral was very well attended by former workers and college friends, some couples who were still married, like my mother and father, who met in college. He was a beloved supervisor and the stories of his working alongside his colleagues overtime are many. But, also the stories of his staying up all night to smoke a ham and turkey in his smoker were many. He often would promote having picnics in the office where everyone brought something in. I would wager his colleagues did this at least four times a year.

Dad loved to cook on the grill or with his smokers. He also loved making Oyster or Brunswick stew. I used to tease him that he would always bring a wingless chicken in from the grill. He would sample the wings outside as he said they absorbed most of the seasoning. He also made the best roast beef on the grill. He had several approaches, but I have never found anything like it in a restaurant. And, like the picnics above, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter would always have him smoking a ham and turkey.

Dad was happiest when his grandchildren were over. He loved watching ball games with my older brother’s son who lived in the same city. Dad was a great athlete in college – basketball, baseball and track – so he loved to watch all, especially basketball and golf. He was married to my Mom for 55 years, so they were devoted to each other. His Achilles’ Heels included a couple of bad habits that would affect his health later on. He did cease the habits, but some damage was done.

Dad started smoking when he was 12 years old. That was not unusual in rural Georgia where he was raised. He did stop ten years before his death, but I believe it was due to direct doctor’s orders. This was a major reason he had blood circulation issues and several stents later on. He also drank way too much and, though, he also stopped this bad habit, some lingering effects remained. I will write more about this in a few weeks, as his youngest son had this bad habit as well. The only times he and Mom would have words is when he drank. And, the only times he would have lapses of reliability were when he drank.

Yet, setting those aside, my memories of Dad are very positive. He was my ball coach, my mentor and my inspiration. He was not perfect, but he was great. I love you Dad.