A few funnies

Comedian Tom Arnold was asked a question on “The View” that was personal and evolved out of the table conversation. “How long does it take for sex at your house?” He responded to the surprise of others, “Thirty minutes.” When questioned, he said “Yea, 5 minutes for foreplay, 5 minutes for sex and twenty minutes to get the pillows off the bed.”

On the CBS TV show “Mom,” the mother and daughter were sharing a bedroom. The daughter got up, went to urinate and came back to bed. The mother said “You didn’t wash your hands.” The daughter replied testily “I didn’t touch anything!”

One of the funniest, recurring lines was provided by the oldest of three brothers when they arrived at the inn on The Bob Newhart Show. Larry would say “This is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl.” The two Daryl’s never spoke on the show. Newhart often let his ensemble cast get the limelight on his two long-running shows.

A real life funny happened to one of my close friends and his wife. He got a call from his mother-in-law who was very worried about his wife. Mom had been talking to daughter and the phone went silent. My friend rushed home to see if there was a problem. He walked in and found his wife on the couch taking a nap. Waking her, she saw the phone on her chest and exclaimed, “Oh my God, I fell asleep on Mom!”

The funniest movie line was saved by Rob Reiner for his mother in “When Harry met Sally.” After Sally vividly and audibly demonstrates to Harry in a cafe how a woman can fake an orgasm, Reiner’s mother who observed all of this responded to a waiter “I’ll have what she’s having.”

Please feel free to add any funny stories or jokes from real life or TV, movie or theater performances.

Make me smile

Humorous things pop up when you least expect them. In this spirit, here are a few surprising and funny things that make me smile. I hope you will as well.

We called my grandmother Big Mama which was not an unusual moniker in the south. While Big Mama had a piano, I never saw her play. One day she saw me chop-sticking and sat down. When she obliged my request to play, I expected something classical. What I heard was flat out boogie-woogie. And, it was well-played. She added to my surprise saying she played by ear.

My mother surprised me by telling of the time my father was visiting her at a pond near the female college dorms while they were dating. Lingering near the female dorms was frowned upon in the late 1940s at this small college. When she espied the female dean watching them, she playfully pushed him and he fell into the pond. That certainly disarmed the situation.

My date and I were at a community theatre which was held in a church hall. The audience sat in fold out chairs on chorus risers. We were in the last row about eighteen inches off the ground. After intermission, unbeknownst to me, one of my rear chair legs moved off the riser. As I sipped my wine, my date appeared to be going forward, but actually I was falling backward and crashed on the floor with a loud boom. Everyone turned. I was not hurt, but it sure was funny later.

Finally, another date became offended when I asked if we could use her car, so my visiting friend could borrow mine. Unfortunately, she told me she did not want to go out after I arrived. In a huff, I tried to back down her diagonal and downhill driveway. Unfortunately, I backed into a rock garden and got stuck. Her father had to tow me off the garden with her watching from the living room window. Oops. It was funny by the time I told my friend, but at the time…

What are your unexpected funny stories?