A few more relationship funnies

Relationships will provide opportunities for humor. The ability to laugh at these situations are part of the glue to long term relationships. Here are a few funnies to try and lighten our load.

When dating my wife, I took her back to the office after lunch. As I was walking down the hall, I turned to wave goodbye and then proceeded to walk into an open door (the door, not the entrance). My wife said she almost wet her pants trying to keep from laughing.

A good friend was worried about going to a school reunion with his new wife. His nervousness showed as he introduced her…and got her name wrong. She corrected him with a smile, that would be Jeannie not Jenny.

Another friend married a woman he dated since his teen years. When you asked him when they started dating, he would answer “thirteen.” But, when you asked her, she would respond “seventeen.” The dilemma is they are the same age. Although they did divorce later, they remarried and remain such.

Another friend traveled to an internal conference and hit it off with a woman from another office at the conference. While nothing transpired there, he returned to his office smitten. He shortly received a card from a consultant who he had fussed at for not being attentive to a client deadline. The card said “You are in my thoughts, D” as his first name began with that letter. Yet, my friend thought the card came from the woman he just met thinking the D was a P for her name, Patti. He called Patti, she confided that she did not send it, but wish she had. They remained married until she passed away from cancer.

I love these stories as each of the couples have had long term marriages, even the one which had an interim hiatus. Be able to laugh at these situations and you will laugh together for a long time.

Did I tell you about the time…?

We all need some outlets from the news of the day, the Coronavirus. Words like “flatten the curve” and “social distancing” are in many discussions. So, with a Thank-God-its-Friday sense of purpose, here are few things I want to share.

Did I tell you about the time…

– I called the Senator’s office and shared my concern with the staff member and learned I was speaking with the wrong Senator’s office? Oops.

– I said to a small gathering in front of our Health and Wellness coordinator, that we need to do these Mobile Mammogram screenings for our employees to honor “Breast Awareness Month” in October. She corrected me saying that would be “Breast Cancer Awareness Month.” Oops.

– I watched a colleague walk into the wrong gender bathroom by mistake at a client’s manufacturing plant only to see a line of three women looking puzzled as he walked out? He said he thought it was pretty progressive move to have a tampon machine in a unisex bathroom (this was 1985). Oops.

– I listened to a colleague recounting small talk with a female prospective client who had picture of Don Knotts in his Barney Fife deputy uniform in her office; after multiple probing questions he learned that she just had a crush on Barney Fife? Oh my. Don’t tell Thelma Lou.

– I watched a colleague try to take a charge from an opponent during a league game for our company basketball team; he did not want to get hurt, so he started falling before he was hit and slowly fell to his backside chuckling all the way down? Ouch.

– I almost fell on my backside at our wedding when we were lighting the unity candle and stepped wrong off a step, catching myself without too much notice? Almost oops.

– I did fall on my backside at a community play, when we returned to our seats after intermission, and my folding chair back leg was off the two-feet high choral riser; as I sipped my wine, my first thought was my date was going forward, but it was me falling slowly backwards to a loud crash? Ouch, indeed. My ego was more bruised than my tail bone.

– I was working with my son last week to pull up some stumps from trees that we had cut up after they fell; as we pulled the stump as I squatted using my weight, the stump freed itself and landed me on my backside. Oops.

We have to be able to laugh at ourselves and these events. My bride is still my wife. The date went out with me again. The Health and Wellness coordinator and I still laugh about the story. I reminded the faux charge basketball player of the story when we met up again after twenty years to laughter. The Senator staff member and I had a good chuckle and I am sure she shared the story. And, my son, my wife and I laughed about my stump removal techniques.

Have a great weekend. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Especially when you fall on your backside.

Saturday after the sugar rush

The trick-or-treaters were beneath our estimates which means we have too many candy bars left. Yikes. The rain delayed our neighborhood celebration until Friday, which may have hurt turnout. So, we will need to unload some candy when the kids are home over Thanksgiving.

One family dressed up as “The Incredibles,” including mom and dad. They get the best costumed family award. We saw a few Power Rangers, a few Godzillas, several Disney princesses, a few Wonderwomen, a couple of Princess Leia’s and Stormtroopers, an adult Pink Flamingo, a couple of dinosaurs and few more individual Incredibles. One young man was dressed as a Cyan Cube, I guess representing an inkjet for a printer, unless I am unaware of a new superhero.

Speaking of trick-or-treaters, there is a neat video of a young lad coming upon an empty candy bowl at someone’s porch. He proceeded to donate some of his candy for the little ones coming behind. It was filmed by the door bell camera. A young good Samaritan. Well done.

Based on our sample size, which offered choices of full-size candy bars of Hershey plain, Hershey w/ almonds, Peanut Butter Cups, and Kit Kat Bars, the plain Hershey’s won out followed by the Peanut Butter Cups, with Kit Kats in third. The Hershey’s with almonds were not popular, but came in the assorted box of candy bars, so were offered up.

What kind of turnout did you have? Any interesting costumes?

Have you ever noticed?

Have you ever noticed…

– the person at the park laboring while he or she walks or runs seems to leave you in the dust?

– the volume of an arguer’s voice increases in opposite proportion to the veracity of his or her argument?

– the same opposite proportion holds true with the amount of name-calling and labeling?

– the best bread has the hardest crust and is served with the biggest knife?

– the one you should respect the most is the quiet one going about his or her business?

– there is a reason for the term false bravado, as an important corollary to the above?

– if there is a lot of lying going on to cover one’s hind end, there is a reason it is bare?

– the higher a monkey climbs in a tree, the more you can see its hind end?

– people who read seem to be more adept at writing?

– you can never have enough cups of coffee with people?

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

No good deed goes unpunished – a sequel

There is an old saying in Human Resources that simply says “no good deed goes unpunished.” This saying has been around since well before social media. But, social media has highly leveraged this phrase into over-sensitive political correctness.

Mind you, I am all for treating people like I want to be treated. Yet, there is another quote that comes to mind which was told to me by a friend who advised high school students. She said, “Do not give your power away. If you do not take offense, then you are not offended.”

It seems almost daily that someone with notoriety makes an effort to communicate a message offering a self-help tip or commenting on maltreatment of a group or person. Yet, someone or some group takes offense at the tip saying it demeans another group. A key question to ask is did people speaking on behalf of that group take offense? Another is was the slight intended or was it inferred?

I fully recognize there are people like the US President who often intentionally and accidentally offend individuals and groups. These folks need more pushback because they seem less inclined to change or could care less. With that said, the President will often use derogatory comments to distract the media from a greater malfeasance, so focusing on a slight, allows him to change the subject.

What I am speaking to most is people who blow small or unintended things into major transgressions. Using an old phrase, they react as if someone killed their mother. Folks, don’t make mountains out of molehills. In so doing, it is akin to crying wolf. One gets ignored on the more impactful transgressions because people become inured to the constant criticism of smaller ones.

Recently, a celebrity made a point to say exercise and watch what you eat during the holidays and was accused of fat-shaming. She apologized for any perceived slights, but said that was not her intention.

Comedians often focus on generalizations that help people see we all have imperfections. They also are keen on poking fun at lies and hypocrisies in leaders. Of course, they need to be mindful of not going too far, when the humor becomes cruel, but if we cannot laugh at ourselves, we will have a very boring world. I am reminded that President George H.W. Bush loved Dana Carvey’s impersonation of himself as did President Obama of the the “angry Obama” portayed by Keegan Michael Key.

So, let’s pull back on punishing folks for every unintended slight. Let’s not punish good deeds. Pick your battles.  Let’s reserve our offense for more serious slights that lead to bad policies, military deployment or demonize (or make false equivalence for) groups of people or their actions. If we focused on every lie the President said, we would be at it all day.

 

 

A slice of The Onion

One of the  best satirical websites is The Onion. It is so good, world leaders, who do not know better, have used their satire as real news. So, with kudos to The Onion, here are few slices to taste.

Breaking news, President Trump has ordered 800 troops to surround a daycare center in a Detroit where three year old Muslim terrorists were presumed to have infiltrated the daycare. Per Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, children with brown skin, head coverings and non-Anglo-Saxon names were seen entering the daycare. Trump said these terrorists were invading the Detroit daycare and this could not be tolerated. More on this later.

At 11:15 am on November 18, 2018, it was reported by three different news sources that President Donald Trump uttered what appeared to be a truthful statement. An eerie silence was noticed in the White House press room as reporters were befuddled. Trump said the economy is going along well, but he is increasingly concerned about the growing debt and the tariffs he has imposed.

Breaking news, President Trump announced the US is not pulling out of the Paris Climate Change Accord after all. When asked why, he said who knew we were growing renewable energy jobs at such a terrific clip? Plus, he added he hated that the US is not invited to meetings with others to discuss energy.

After being pressured by Republican Senators, the US President said the Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman is responsible for the assassination of Khashoggi. Trump has previously ignored CIA reports, numerous story changes and the taped evidence citing Jared Kushner that Salman was a “great guy.” In a related matter, Trump has posthumously awarded the Medal of Freedom to Al Capone. Trump says the man created a lot of jobs.

These have been a few slices of The Onion. Stay tuned for future slices.

 

Friday funnies

Earlier this week, attending a funeral of a good friend’s mother allowed us to catch up with many high school and college friends. Stories abounded, so here are a few to get a smile, a laugh or a surprise. No one was harmed during these stories or their retelling.

When a couple of friends visited me in Atlanta, one forgot his walking shoes. I lent him my brand new pair which molded to his feet, not mine. It took several wearings a to remold them to my feet.

While taking baseball batting practice, the pitcher wondered why I was laughing at the plate. Behind him in the outfield were two friends who knew I liked hard rock music. They were hopping toward each other doing air guitars as some guitarists would do on stage.

Three friends roomed together as young adults. One observed the birdlike first names of the girlfriends of the other two. He noted, one is dating Robin, the other is dating Lark. It looks like I will need to find a girl named CON-dor, emphasizing the first syllable.

I mentioned we often hung out at the house of my friend’s mother (who just passed away). Late one evening, she told her son to remember to take out the garbage. But, he soon was out like a light. Since my ride home was now asleep and I lived just a 1/2 mile away cutting through yards, I locked up, took the trash out to the curb and walked home. He called me the next day to ask how the trash got out.

This same friend worked briefly at a bank branch. While on the phone with a customer, the branch was held up at gunpoint. The robber told everyone to hit the floor. My friend slowly starting to get down without hanging up. The robber shouted at him “Mo..erfu..er, I said hit the floor!” He said he was grabbing some carpet. Ironically, the person on the phone heard this and called the police, who arrested them outside.

One of the two classmates who rides herd over our high school reunion was ragging a friend who has only been to one early on. She teased him that he vaguely resembles our classmate. The real reason he does not attend is his wife teased him unmercifully about his ex-girlfriends fawning over him.

One set of friends got married and adopted a Korean boy as they had troubling conceiving. When he was a toddler, he was pitching a fit in a grocery checkout line with his red-haired mother. My blond haired friend had left the line to get a forgotten item. As he hustled back, other patrons expected to see an Asian-American husband. As they looked puzzled, the father said to all, “he is adopted.”

Finally, the funeral mass was in the church where we attended Midnight Mass. The contemporary folk choir inspired us high schoolers so much, we would go out and sing carols at 1 am waking up friends. Some did not appreciate our holiday spirit.

There are so many more stories, but I hoped you enjoyed these few. Have a great weekend.

Remember those foods you hated as kids?

When I was a little, my mother would impose foods on me that simply did not pass muster. My younger voice would claim something was gross or yucky. Now, some of these same foods are delicious. Did my palate change or am I open too trying more foods? Maybe it is a little of both.

A good example is orange marmalade. It is a little bitter because of the sliver of orange peels, so as a child it did not measure up to the overly sweet jellies and jams. Now, it is a staple best used with peanut butter on an English muffin or cinnamon raisin bagel.

Another example is fried okra. Why would anyone want to eat such a thing? Now, if it is an available vegetable at a cafe or diner, it is a must order. One BBQ restaurant serves fried okra as an appetizer. The other excellent use of okra is in gumbo. So, this hard to pick vegetable is well-worth it.

Another vegetable whose taste had to be nurtured over time is collard greens (and turnip greens). I would not touch the stuff early on, but my grandmother imposed them on me, even teaching us how to cook them. Like fried okra, greens are a must order as a side at a restaurant.

My wife would add brussel sprouts and beets. Now, she loves them both and will eat pickled beets out of a jar. I can tolerate brussel sprouts, but beets remain a bridge too far for me. She can have full and sole access to the beet jar.

What are some of your adult-learned favorites? When did the tide turn in their favor?

Some needed humor

America is in need of some humor. With such an unnerving man at the helm, it seems we could run aground so easily. Here are a few thoughts, which I hope will bring a smile.

The President says he is for the little guys, but we did not realize he actually meant short billionnaires.

The President wants to MAGA, but we did not realize “great” was spelled “grate” as we are getting on the nerves of our allies.

The President threw a lawn party in May for the House Republicans when they passed an ACA repeal and replace bill. His staff did not have the heart to tell him it needed to go through the Senate. “Aw, we have to go through this again?”

After Hurricane Maria, the President visited  the US Virgin Islands. Later he said he had a terrific meeting with the President of the Virgin Islands. Ahem, excuse me sir, but aren’t you the President of the US Virgin Islands?

Have you noticed a trend that the President likes to grade his efforts? I think I got a ten on my handling of Puerto Rico. None of my predecessors have done as good a job at reaching out to families of our deceased military. Maybe students should try this after a test.

There is an old line that when your boss says you are doing a great job to the media, you better get your resume ready. When the President holds a press conference to tell everyone you and he have a terrific relationship with you standing there, watch your back. You may be Brutus, but this Caesar has the knife.

That is all for now. I hope some of this brought you a smile. Have a great week.

 

 

Small pieces of big movies

With the forthcoming Academy Awards, it might be fun to select small funny pieces or vignettes from movies that had some level of acclaim.

Annie Hall: Two small scenes that must be paired stand out. In an earlier scene Woody Allen’s character is speaking with Annie Hall’s brother. The brother notes that sometimes when he is driving at night, he briefly considers veering into an oncoming set of headlights to end it all. A few scenes later the expression on Allen’s face is priceless as guess who is driving them to the airport at night?

Forrest Gump: Two priceless scenes stand out. One is when Bubba finishes telling Forrest the many ways to cook shrimp. They are using toothbrushes to clean bathroom tile and Bubba’s says “Well, that’s about it.” Forrest pauses and then goes back to scrubbing. The other is when Lieutenant Dan shows up at the Bayou and Forrest just leaps into the water, while the now pilotless boat is still running.

Casablanca: There are countless scenes in this most quoted movie of all time. One that I love is just after Inspector Renault is forced to close “Rick’s” because he is shocked there is gambling going on, the pit boss hands the Inspector his winnings. The other is when Rick tells the Nazi Major Strasser that he came to Casablanca for the waters. When the Major replies there are no waters here, Rick says “So, I was misinformed,” with a very wry grin.

Jaws: The running gag line echoed by Roy Scheider, the land preferring lawman, is “We gotta get a bigger boat.” The other eerily funny scene is when the grizzled sea captain played by Robert Shaw got the attention of a talkative town council by slowly scraping his finger nails on a chalkboard. Yikes. Another funny scene is on the boat, after much drinking, the guys are comparing scars. At the end, Richard Dreyfus’ character points at his heart and notes the name of the girl who first broke it.

Rocky: A couple of character names for the pets gives me a chuckle. The bulldog was called “Butkus” in homage to the tough linebacker for the Chicago Bears. The two pet turtles of Rocky were humorously named “Cuff” and “Link.” As Rocky heads to the ring to fight Apollo Creed, he is wearing a robe with advertising on the back. When his manager asks him what he gets out of the deal, Rocky said he gets to keep the robe. “Shrewd,” the manager replies.

Gone with the Wind: A humorous set up occurs when Scarlett is about to get a visit from Rhett Butler in Atlanta and does not want to reveal she is on hard times. So, she has a dress made from the draperies. By itself, this is a humorous scene when the audience recognizes what she is wearing. But the funniest parody of this scene is courtesy of comedienne Carol Burnett, when she comes down the stairs with a dress made out of the drapes, including the curtain rod.

Please share with me your memorable scenes from award-winning movies. They can be funny, impactful, romantic, sensual or sensuous. Tell me who you think will take home best picture.