My wife of twenty-seven years gets annoyed with me when she hears me describe her this way, but she is easily the better half of our marriage. She gets annoyed as she detests being the center of attention and does not like being put on any pedestal. Since it is her birthday this weekend (“I don’t celebrate those anymore” she says,” but I will accept presents”), I wanted to share with you how lucky I am to have her by my side.
Some of you have heard me describe my wife as the person in the last verse of “Danny”s Song” written by Kenny Loggins, but made famous by Anne Murray.
Love a girl who holds the world in a paper cup, drink it up, love her and she’ll bring you luck.
And, if you find she helps your mind, you better take her home, yea, don’t you live alone, try to earn what lovers’ own.
When our daughter asks what these lines mean, I tell her that her mom is someone who does not have any airs. She is the kind of person who can drink wine out of a paper cup and not care what people think. She is the kind of person that will listen to your troubles and ease your mind. So, as the song says, if you find someone who will ease your mind, you better take her (or him) home. The final line of “try to earn what lovers’ own” is what it is all about. It is not about possession folks, although we have some. It is about relationships. That is what truly wealthy people have.
My wife collects relationships. She is a great listener and people will tell her their troubles. Sometimes, they tell her too many, too often and it wears her out. She tries her darndest not to let other people’s’ problems become hers, but she is so empathetic it is hard for her. That is where I come in. I try to encourage her to limit exposure to some who will truly suck the life out of her. They are kind of like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh.
People like audiences and my wife is an excellent one. I was sharing this with one of my colleagues, who is more introverted than extroverted. She said your wife and I are a lot alike. You would think my wife is extroverted when you meet her, but she would rather ask you questions and let you talk, rather than talk about herself. My colleague said, “I would much rather get someone else talking than talk about myself.” My wife can be extroverted at times with the right audience (and sometimes with enough wine in paper cups), but for the most part she would rather listen. And, if I ever threw her a surprise party, I would likely be in the dog house for a long while.
I have also referenced Gordon Lightfoot’s song “Rainy Day People,” in describing my wife. As the song goes, “rainy day people always seem to know when it’s time to call.” My wife has a sense when she has not talked to someone in a while, be it my mom, a friend, her sister or one of our other close relatives. She truly brightens their day, as I have talked to some afterwards. They do the same when they call her, except if it is an Eeyore with a problem in need of a lengthy audience. I say that somewhat in jest, as she does get a lot out of these relationships. Yet, that is my litmus test with her. I say “are you getting something from this relationship? If not, then maybe you need to alter its terms.” She has had a few major Eeyores in her life where she needed to provide some distance for her own sanity.
My wife is also a wonderful wife and mother. She is there for me and our family of three, two boys and a girl. I enjoy watching her interact with our children. It is truly a joy, as she will let them talk. Our kids tell us (and her mostly) things most kids probably do not tell their parents. We would have never told our parents some of those things. But, we both say we would rather they tell us than not. We know when a problem exists. And, kids are exposed to so many more bad influences than we ever were growing up. We also have tried to have a house where our children’s friends are welcome. It does make it chaotic and messy at times, but we would not trade those moments for the world. And, for future parents, the greatest sound in the world is to hear your children laughing, in general, but especially with their friends.
Let me close with something I should have said earlier. We also have made many mistakes and do get mad at each other. For younger couples starting out, you will get mad at each other. That happens. You need to work through any conflicts. Marriage is hard work. Try to keep your sense of humor and try not to stay angry too long. Talk it through when you have cooled down. Try never to say something in anger you will regret later. And, we have made parenting mistakes and will likely make some in the future. We have hopefully learned from most of them. While we don’t have many rules, we have two big ones – treat each other like you want to be treated and try to have dinner together. This last one may not seem important, but it is huge. We even linger around the table more chatting about events of the day, funny stories, etc.
So, for my lovely bride happy birthday, sweetie. You are the best. We aren’t perfect, but we are doing alright.