Apeshit Blue

When I visited a long-time client, they had just painted visible accent walls on the outside. My main contact asked me if I knew what that color was. “Blue,” I replied. “No, it is Apeshit Blue!” When the CEO saw the color the CFO picked he went “apeshit.”

Working with clients lends itself to funny stories. One narcissistic CEO had a bodyguard/ chauffer who would escort him from the car to the office building. A friend in HR told the bodyguard he was not understanding the biggest risk. There are more people inside the building that want to kill him than outside.

I worked with a very smart and benevolent CEO. One person described him as someone who knows your job better than you do. Although, he was a very nice man, the person who relayed the story said “Here comes Mr. M with his cafeteria tray looking for someone’s lunch to ruin.”

One long time client of mine had one brother as Chairman of the Board and one as CEO. The problem is they openly argued bringing any meeting to a standstill. Their direct reports would just glaze over as they went back and forth. If I was presenting, I was charged with answering their questions in a fashion that did not insult the brother whose position was more faulty. Talk about much needed diplomacy.

One of the funniest stories occurred when I was presenting to a CEO whose conference table chair was looking out. I must have been boring him when he stood up and said “That’s a hawk.” So, we all turned around and looked for the hawk. Now, let’s turn the page…

A truism is organizations tend to take on the personalities of its leader. If egalitarian, the organization will follow suit. If prone to cheating, others will cut corners. And, if the leader is a jerk sadly others do the same. Working for a company with multiple-business units, one unit was notorious for being run by a cantankerous SOB. His direct reports needlessly treated other peers in the company the same way. It was less effective because people avoided them when they could.

Finally, when a colleague was consulting with a tele-evangelical group whose CEO was in trouble, one was at the board doing his presentation when the COO came in and said we are lucky to have our CEO and we all need to pray for him. To a person, everyone dropped to a knee to pray, leaving my colleague sheepishly standing at the board. Another funny sidebar is if the on air TV show did not have enough guests, all employees including those in meetings were called to the studio. If a presenter was there, he or she had to attend as well.

So, to sum up. Know your hawks, know your colors, know how to kneel, know how to clap, know your job and know how to be diplomatic. And, don’t paint external walls without asking the CEO.

A few needed work funnies – repeat and rinse

I have written about some of these stories before, but permit me to repeat a few much needed work related funnies.

An old colleague said he liked having the office right next to his mercurial boss. He said the boss would get so mad, he would storm out of the office, but the boss’ momentum would not allow his boss to turn quickly enough to come in his office. So, the person in next office to his got to hear the boss’ furor.

Long before social distancing, my boss’ boss would routinely violate personal space and get six inches away from your face as he talked. No one was free from this invasive practice. My boss had a recommendation that you needed to follow when meeting with his boss. Always keep a piece of furniture between you and him to avoid the invasion of personal space.

Another colleague told me of the funny story when he realized his boss had a major comb over. He was showing his boss something on the computer and his boss asked if they could switch places. My friend said he saw a long hair on his boss’ shoulder and thought he would do a kindness and brush it away. One problem, though, it was still attached and he jerked his boss his head to the side.

At the time, the CEO of the company was a learned man who wanted to read every piece of communication that went out to employees and customers. He had been a newspaper reporter just out of high school, so space and brevity was at a premium. He had a term called “widows and orphans” which meant one or two words on a line of type. He would reword things to make paragraphs more blockish, ending near the right margin and avoiding the widows and ophans.

This same CEO would keep a cup of very short pencils, as he would used them down to their last 1/4 inch of use in his hand. When he was rewriting paragraphs, I would look over and count easily a dozen or more pencils.

I have written before about some of the greediest CEOs in my work experience. There was one who had every perquisite known to business. He had a body guard chauffeur who would pick him up at home and drop him at the office, then go back and drive the CEO’s wife shopping. My boss was once talking with a building security guard and said the body guard chauffeur was not protecting the CEO at the right time. He told the security guard there were more people inside the building who wanted to kill him than outside the building.

Some folks believe a travel and expense budget allowed them to spend on things they could not do at home. The above CEO was just one terrible example. He charged the company for his daughter’s wedding, because he invited clients to the wedding. Another person I know would put speeding tickets on his T&E report, as he was driving fast on company business. After the speeder metered his personal mail with the company postage meter, our boss went in and put a quarter on his desk and said that is the last personal envelope I am mailing for you.

The stories are many. Please share your funny work stories or reactions to the above.

Did I ever tell you about the time…

Did I ever tell you about the time…

-I went on a blind date only to discover she was a minister halfway through the meal? I hope I did not say anything risqué.

-my colleague drove two hours to a client meeting, when said client arrived at our offices thinking the meeting was here? Oops.

-I fell off the back of a two-foot tall choral riser during a community play when one of the back legs of my chair shifted off the riser at intermission? I thought my date was moving forward, when to my surprise I was falling backwards to a loud crash. No one was hurt, just my ego.

-A client had a heart attack during one of our meetings in our office. He was well overweight and a big drinker, so when he started sweating profusely it was not a good sign. Rosie O’Donnell uses an acronym HEPPP to alert people to the symptoms of heart attack. Hot, Exhausted, Pain, Pale, Puke. Recognize these symptoms as signs to call 911 immediately. The client did survive.

-My prom date imbibed too much at dinner as did the three other members of our double date, so when she waived in the parking lot to the other couple she fell backwards? To my surprise, I caught her with one arm about six inches from the ground and stood her back up. It must have been Adrenalin that did it. She had no clue of the peril we avoided, but we did make a good prom picture later.

-My limited time quirky administrative assistant once called in sick with a funny excuse that her power went out, so she turned on her gas stove to stay warm with the oven door down and while calling the power company, forgot said door and tripped over it spraining her ankle? Miss Grace she was not.

– I was walking into a sunset in a parking garage and could not see a diagonally descending I-beam. At 6’5”, I walked right into that beam and was propelled backward about three feet. I looked like a boxer who just took a punch to the forehead. Mr. Grace I was not. I survived, but would have been counted out by a referee.

-My wife and I were playing golf in the mountains with an older couple we were paired up with. On the 17th hole after one of my wife’s less than perfect shots, the man said to her eager to learn ears, “I know what your problem is. You are standing too close to the ball AFTER you hit it.”

So, to sum up. Don’t drink and drive, don’t sit on the back row, don’t walk into a sunset without shades, don’t drive to the wrong meeting place, don’t drive a golf ball poorly, don’t let your weight get out of hand, don’t date a minister unless you know beforehand, so you can watch your double entendres, and don’t forget lowered oven doors!