Don’t point a finger when you can lend a hand – a repeat message

“Don’t point a finger when you can lend a hand.” Sounds profoundly simple doesn’t it? Yet, why is it such a underutilized approach? One of our friend’s father was good with his hands, but also had a big heart. Before he passed away, it was not uncommon for him and a group of handymen from his church to visit sites of hurricanes and help people repair and rebuild.

Even though you may not be a handy person yourself, volunteering to help means a great deal to the community, but also yourself. Probably the most exhausted I have ever been is when a work group from my company helped build a Habitat for Humanity house. I was so tired, this right-handed person was hammering up the insulation with his left hand at the end of the day. But, I also felt very rewarded in doing something good.

Yet, you do not need to have carpentry tools in your hands to help others. Use your skills, experiences and contacts to help others. Help people with their resumes, prepare for interviews or presentations, or dress to impress with your donated clothes. Or, better yet, help them with contacts to companies that could help them network or get hired. As someone who has helped homeless families, a key stumbling block is these families have exhausted their networks or their circle of friends and family are in a similar situation

One of the key skill sets the licensed social workers (at the agency I volunteered with) taught their clients is how to budget. What is a need versus a want? And, sometimes they did this with tough, but empathetic love. I recall the story of one woman laying her head down on her dining room table to cry as the bills piled up. The social worker said I know it is tough, but we must go through them and figure out what and how much we can pay and who we need to call for more time.

A minister named Bob Lupton who lives with his family among the folks he helps wrote a great book called “Toxic Charity.” We were so impressed by the book, we invited him to speak to volunteer groups here. His main message is don’t do for someone what they can do for themselves. True charity should be reserved for emergency. We should help people climb a ladder, but they need to climb it. Those Habit for Humanity recipients had to first put in sweat equity on other houses before they could work on their own house.

One of the things Lupton said is also telling. In your churches, business groups and organizations, sits an abundance of skill sets. Encourage these folks to offer those skills to help others. Maybe they could help someone start a business, maybe they could help teach or nurture a talent like baking, cooking, carpentry, or computer skills or maybe they could help look after children while the parents go to some night classes to get a GED or achieve a community college degree.

The key is there is little use to point a finger to blame people for their situation. Maybe they did make some bad decisions that greased the skids for their problem. Maybe they trusted the wrong guy and he was abusive or stole from her. Maybe they were not strong enough to say no to bad things. Maybe they had to forego car repairs and it broke down. Maybe they lost one of two jobs. Maybe they were too passionate in the moment and did not insist on using birth control.

In the group I helped, 1/3 of the homeless working families we helped were homeless due to domestic violence. These families lost half their income, their home and were beaten by an abusive person. The level of PTSD in these families is as high or higher than that of a combat veteran. Not knowing where your next meal will come from or seeing your mother battered and embarrassed is a hard pill to swallow.

We all make bad decisions. We all find ourselves in circumstances where we wonder how it got to this point. But, many of us have better support groups that will help us through. I am reminded of the line from the Madonna song “Papa don’t preach, I’m in trouble,” where the daughter asks for help and gets it after she screwed up.

So, don’t point a finger when you can lend a hand. We have all needed one from time to time. Happy holidays all.

Just a couple of sayings for a melancholy smile

As we were going through some old clothes and housing items in various closets, we came across two carved signs with sayings. The first one may be more unique to us, but I will share it anyway.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN BISCUITS AND GRAVY.

My wife will order biscuits and gravy off a breakfast menu almost every time. Of course, it is bad for her, but it does taste good. Loving me more than that sinful indulgence is high praise.

The second one is more general, but is also a sadly comical reminder that we will become more forgetful or worse. Unfortunately, our mothers were in the worse category.

LET’S BE FRIENDS AND IF WE BECOME SENILE, WE CAN BE NEW FRIENDS.

Dementia, Alzheimer’s are horrible diseases as they hurt the patient as well as their loved ones. The only thing you can do at some point is just be there for them. Give them company and conversation. Be a friend.

A friend once told me she showed up to see her Alzheimer’s afflicted father at a Long Term Care facility and she found him in the great room listening to a singer. She quietly sat down beside him and when he noticed her he got excited and said “You’re on our team.”

So, the moral is eat the “occasional” order of biscuits and gravy, but exercise in-between orders, and be a “new” friend to your memory-losing parents, spouses, siblings and friends. Our mothers remembered old song lyrics and parts of old events, so nurture those dangling memories. And, wear the same lotion, after-shave or perfume as I read the memories from the sense of smell seem to linger on longer than others.

Both Sides Now – a repeat tribute to a worthy and universal song

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Joni Mitchell.

From where I sit, one of America’s greatest songwriters is Joni Mitchell. Perhaps my favorite song of hers is “Both Sides Now.” Ironically, it was popularized by Suite Judy Blue Eyes herself, Judy Collins. I also enjoy Neil Diamond’s version with his deeper voice, but Judy’s version is the one most folks know. First, let’s take a peek at the lyrics:

Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

In addition to melancholic and reflective nature of the song, “Both Sides Now” resonates with me as it makes you think of issues, events and people from different perspectives. How we view things is based on our history of experiences. A line from the Heart song “Straight on for You” would reinforce this “what the winner don’t know the gambler understands.”

Mitchell starts with clouds as we lie on our backs and reflect. I find this a clever metaphor. Yet, what you see in the clouds can and will change. Not to mention when you ask someone else what he or she sees, you are likely to get a different answer. So, we really don’t know clouds at all, as what can be seen varies, even with the same observer.

But, the same holds true for love and life, as well. In the US, about half the people who get married, eventually get divorced. Once the passion abates from its peak, people have a different set of experiences and perspectives. As an old fart who has been married for thirty-eight years, it is important that you like your spouse, as well as love her or him. If you don’t, then your marriage will have some challenges. So, we all have viewed love from both sides now.

This goes hand-in-hand with life, as well. Think back on how many opinions of yours have changed over the years. Think back on who you thought were true friends, who you do not involve yourself with anymore. Think back on how it was to struggle with a budget and how it is far easier to make ends meet when you have some money. With the number of people who have been exposed to the precipice of poverty or who have fallen over the cliff, many never imagined that this could happen to them. Your perspective changes when you have to stand in a line to collect unemployment benefits or go on food stamps.

I was thinking about this song after I read the post by Emily January on “Zenzele: a letter for my daughter,” especially when she speaks of the two men you will meet – the one you will be madly in love with and the one who will be your rock to live with day-in and day-out. I also believe my love for this song is a reason why I enjoy Malcolm Gladwell’s books. He describes himself as an outsider based on how he looked and who his parents were, a multi-racial couple (one from Jamaica and one from England) growing up in Toronto. So, he has an uncanny ability to see things from both sides or at least two perspectives. He is constantly challenging normative thoughts and beliefs as he can see things from an outside in perspective.

Joni, as per usual, you got it right. Your song stands the test of time due to the underlying truth in the lyrics. Thanks for setting your wonderful scripted words to such a beautiful melody.

Oh, lord please don’t let me be misunderstood (once again, with feeling)

“Don’t Let be Misunderstood” is a song written by Bennie Benjamin, Horace Ott and Sol Marcus for the singer and pianist Nina Simone, who first recorded it in 1964. The song has been covered by many artists, most notably by The Animals, whose blues rock version of the song became a transatlantic hit in 1965. (Per Wikipedia). Cat Stevens does a meaningful interpretation as well, as he tempers the sound so the words seep through.

The song has an important message, but first here are the lyrics.

“People, do you understand me now,
If sometimes I feel a little mad
Don’t you know no one alive can
Always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem a little sad
But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

You know sometimes, I’m so carefree
With a joy that’s hard to hide
Sometimes seems that all I have is worry
And then you’re bound to see my other side
But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy, I want you to know
That I never mean to take it out on you
Life has its problems and I get more
Than my share
But that’s one thing I never mean to do
I don’t mean it

People, don’t you know I’m only human
Don’t you know I have faults like any one
But sometimes I find myself alone regretting
Some little thing; some foolish thing
That I have done,
But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

Don’t let me be misunderstood
I’m just someone whose intentions are good
Don’t let me be misunderstood,
Don’t let me be misunderstood”

My wife suggested I include this song in a post. She feels people are being misunderstood as others are not taking the time to listen. If we listen to each other, the context of a comment will finds its way in. Once you listen, you then have earned the right to be heard in return. A key part of the song is to start out with assuming the intentions are good. That may be giving too much credit, but if we listen first, we can ask better questions.

I have often written about Daryl Davis, an African-American man who has convinced more than 200 white men to leave the Ku Klux Klan. He said he did it by listening. Then, he would ask a few questions and listen some more. He observed that people, even with strong opinions he disagreed with, just want to be heard. By listening, he would ask probing, thoughtful questions that made the person think.

I truly admire this man, his courage and his approach. If we emulate him, we can have better conversations. Using his approach, we can find some common ground. And that is more than a good start.

Friday’s child – a surprising song from Nancy Sinatra (redux)

Looking for a song for Friday caused me to stumble on this interesting song by Nancy Sinatra. Unlike her biggest hit “These Boots are made for Walking,” the song “Friday’s Child” is filled with more angst. Plus, it has some clever guitar playing throughout.

Lee Hazlewood wrote the song in 1966 and captured in a few short syllables the travails of this Friday’s child. Here are the first few verses:

“Friday’s child…..Hard luck is her brother
Friday’s child…..Her sister’s misery
Friday’s child…..Her daddy they call hard times
Friday’s child…..That’s me

Friday’s child…..Born a little ugly
Friday’s child…. Good looks passed her by..oh
Friday’s child…..Makes something look like nothing
Friday’s child…..Am I..ya

Friday’s child…..Never climbed no mountain
Friday’s child…..She ain’t even gonna try..oh
Friday’s child…..Whom they’ll forget to bury
Friday’s child…..Am I”

If you click on the link below of the top 20 Friday songs, it is number 14. But, you may like a few of the others better than this one. This one intrigued me given its singer was more of a one-hit wonder.

The opening stanza speaks volumes. She is speaking metaphorically, but these descriptions could double as people. Plus, the next to last line I include above is “Whom they’ll forget to bury.” It reminds me a little of my favorite song by The Beatles called “Eleanor Rigby,” where a lonely priest buries a lonely woman.

We are a world of imperfect people. Sadly, we are a world where opportunities do not exist for too many. There lot in life is predestined. Mac Davis wrote a song that Elvis made famous called “In the Ghetto” about a mama crying over one more mouth she cannot feed.

Think of this backdrop as you listen to Nancy sing.

The Best 20 Songs about Fridays

The game is not over until it is

Watching the NCAA basketball tournament, both men and women’s versions, I am reminded of the importance of this title. The game is not over until it is.

Too many times, one team will dominate early, only to awaken the other team. I have seen teams get down by twenty points in the first half only to rally and win going away. I have seen frustrated coaches pull players who are not into the game, sending them back in once they watch others play instead.

I once saw a coach take his whole starting line up out as they had their head metaphorically in an anatomically impossible placement. This team won the national title that year.

These comebacks are especially true with the long distance three point shot. A team wins and loses with the three point shot. Some teams get too infatuated with early three point success and shoot them too quickly.

There is an old saying about basketball – attack the rim. In other words, look to shoot shots closer to the basket. A team stands a better chance of making the closer in shots. Plus, rebounding missed shots is easier for the offensive team if closer in.

A little math might help illustrate. If you make 40% of 30 three point shots, that produces 36 points. If you make 70% of 30 close in two point shots, that produces 42 points. If you make only 60%, that ties it up at 36 points. Conversely, a team has to make a higher percentage of three pointers to win.

A key to all of this is to attack the rim and allow for three point tries in the flow of the game. If a team shoots them too quickly, the other players are not ready to rebound yet.

So, enjoy the tournaments. I hope your brackets are not busted. And, don’t celebrate victories too early.

Golf is rich with sayings

I mentioned in a recent blogpost that an older golfer advised my wife late in the round we were playing with him and his wife that he knew what her golfing problem was. “You are standing too close to the ball after you hit it.” Golf is rich with stories and sayings like that.

Here are a few. I hope I do not offend people by some references. Please note the average male golfer physique won’t put him on the cover of a romance novel, so read a few of these sayings with that in mind. Liz Taylor would not be dating any of these guys.

A “Mickey Mantle” refers to a pulled shot or a “dead yank,” as the former Yankee great is deceased.

Famous pro Gary Player was asked by a reporter about a lucky shot and said “I’ve learned the more I practice, the luckier I get.”

I was once told I have a “towards” problem in golf. I am hitting the ball “towards the wrong direction.”

A “Liz Taylor” refers to a shot that is a little bit heavy, but a pretty good shot,” using the beautiful actress’ struggle with weight later in her career (see above reference). Heavy means you took a little too much grass on the shot and did not get the full force on the ball.

Famous golf great Bobby Jones said the following about a young Jack Nicklaus, “He plays a game with which I am not familiar.”

When you hit a ball into the woods, you can imitate the very southern TV evangelist Reverend Ernest Ainsley and say “Out Satan” or “Be healed.” Be sure to accentuate “SA-tan” and “HEALed.”

A “Fatter than a Mother-in-law” is just a very heavy shot where you hit a lot more grass than ball. Of course, my mother-in-law was in great shape with her walking, so my “mother-in-law” shot would be pretty good.

A male putter who leaves a putt short is referred to as “Alice” or is asked “Alice, does your husband play too?” By the way, women putt just as good as the men.

A huge slice is referred to as a “banana shot.”

Golf great Lee Trevino played a fade like Ben Hogan used to. When asked why, Trevino said “You can talk to a fade, but a hook just won’t listen.”

A duck hook is a “quacker.” Maybe that is why Trevino played a fade.

A person who putts the ball from well off the green is using a “Texas wedge” referring to his putter (see next comment about Texas wind).

An intentionally low hit drive is a “Texas wind shear” because of the windy conditions there.

Speaking of Trevino, a friend who lived in Dallas bumped into Trevino with his child at a McDonalds on the Monday following Trevino’s win at the Colonial tournament. My friend complimented Trevino on a particular wedge shot to which Trevino said “Thanks, but it is my 5 iron that keeps me from having to dig ditches for a living.”

A high or skied shot is said to “bring rain.”

A topped shot is laughed off as it “is still in play.”

A ball that caroms off a tree back into play is laughed off with “I am glad I know where the trees are” or more creatively the “Tree fairies are kind to me.”

A swing that misses the ball is a “whiff” but is laughed off as a practice shot. No one believes that statement by the way.

A ball that skips off the water to dry land is laughed off as “I am glad I know where the rocks are.”

Let me close with a local true story. A woman who sold drinks as she drove a cart around the course knew how to give it back to these flirtatious guys who think their beer gut does not make them less sexy. One day she told the guys the rock in her necklace was a “sex stone.” After many guesses as to why it is called a sex stone, she told them it was “Just an effing rock” using the actually word.

If I offended anyone, please forgive me. Liz Taylor is arguably one of the most beautiful women ever. So, any golf shot compared to her is on the better side of shots.

Thank the passer – a repeat tribute to Dean Smith

This was written following the death of Dean Smith a few years ago. With the NCAA Basketball Tournament back in action, I thought it would be good to honor him with a repeat of this story on a key legacy.

For those who follow basketball, the legendary basketball coach Dean Smith passed away this weekend. Smith coached the University of North Carolina Tar Heels for many years to great basketball success. He also coached the US Olympics basketball team to the Gold medal when we still used amateur players. A great many things are being said about Smith by his former players, fans and the media. They are all deserved. Last fall, his wife accepted the US Medal of Freedom from President Obama.

Smith did much to help young men grow into adults. He taught valuable lessons about basketball, but life as well. He also helped integrate the UNC team with its first African-American player, which is widely known. But, he also helped integrate the Town of Chapel Hill by eating in restaurants with African-Americans. He did not want fanfare over this, as he noted to author John Feinstein, who was told the story by someone else, “doing the right thing should not get publicity.”

Being a former basketball player, I also wanted to share a basketball and life lesson that Smith instilled in his players. This may sound trite at first, but please bear with me. Smith made his players who just scored a basket to acknowledge the person who passed him the ball as they ran back down the court. If you have played basketball, you know that the most fun thing to do is score. Yet, this is a team game, just like life. Someone else saw that you had a better chance to score and passed you the ball.

This sounds so simple, but at the end of the 1970s, the NBA had turned into a game of individual moves to score. This individualism promoted selfish play and the NBA was in trouble. In fact, TV ratings were so down, some of the Championship games were shown on tape delay at 11:30 pm. Think about that. It was not until Magic Johnson and Larry Bird joined the NBA in 1980, that the NBA started a come back. These two players were renowned for their passing ability and seeing a bigger court.

Smith knew this first hand, which is why he had his players acknowledge the passer. Just as in life, most success involves a team effort. Of course, there are stars, but Michael Jordan, who played for Smith, knew he needed a good team to win. So, as a former basketball player who took pride in passing, I admired this trait. It is a good one to take away from the court. I have made this point before about the best leaders – they tend to deflect credit to others. This is a great way to sum up Dean Smith, he deflected credit to others. But, they knew who passed them the ball and are pointing back at him.

Rest in peace Coach Smith.

Did I ever tell you about the time…

Did I ever tell you about the time…

-I went on a blind date only to discover she was a minister halfway through the meal? I hope I did not say anything risqué.

-my colleague drove two hours to a client meeting, when said client arrived at our offices thinking the meeting was here? Oops.

-I fell off the back of a two-foot tall choral riser during a community play when one of the back legs of my chair shifted off the riser at intermission? I thought my date was moving forward, when to my surprise I was falling backwards to a loud crash. No one was hurt, just my ego.

-A client had a heart attack during one of our meetings in our office. He was well overweight and a big drinker, so when he started sweating profusely it was not a good sign. Rosie O’Donnell uses an acronym HEPPP to alert people to the symptoms of heart attack. Hot, Exhausted, Pain, Pale, Puke. Recognize these symptoms as signs to call 911 immediately. The client did survive.

-My prom date imbibed too much at dinner as did the three other members of our double date, so when she waived in the parking lot to the other couple she fell backwards? To my surprise, I caught her with one arm about six inches from the ground and stood her back up. It must have been Adrenalin that did it. She had no clue of the peril we avoided, but we did make a good prom picture later.

-My limited time quirky administrative assistant once called in sick with a funny excuse that her power went out, so she turned on her gas stove to stay warm with the oven door down and while calling the power company, forgot said door and tripped over it spraining her ankle? Miss Grace she was not.

– I was walking into a sunset in a parking garage and could not see a diagonally descending I-beam. At 6’5”, I walked right into that beam and was propelled backward about three feet. I looked like a boxer who just took a punch to the forehead. Mr. Grace I was not. I survived, but would have been counted out by a referee.

-My wife and I were playing golf in the mountains with an older couple we were paired up with. On the 17th hole after one of my wife’s less than perfect shots, the man said to her eager to learn ears, “I know what your problem is. You are standing too close to the ball AFTER you hit it.”

So, to sum up. Don’t drink and drive, don’t sit on the back row, don’t walk into a sunset without shades, don’t drive to the wrong meeting place, don’t drive a golf ball poorly, don’t let your weight get out of hand, don’t date a minister unless you know beforehand, so you can watch your double entendres, and don’t forget lowered oven doors!

How it once was and how it ought to be

The following is an edited email from a retired Republican state official who worked collaboratively with Democrats back in the 1980s and 1990s. He was not an anomaly as others did the same.   From his email, which was forwarded to a group that collaborated, it reveals how it used to to be, as well as how it ought to be. The editing is to mask identities.

“When I was serving in the State House in the 1980’s and 90’s there was an atmosphere of cooperation and respect that began to change. As Chair of a (redacted) Committee, I had a remarkable working relationship with the Democrat Senate Finance leadership. We met, we shared meals and I felt that we all wanted what was best for (our state). Common sense and common good were strongly accepted. (Three Democrat) Senators became good friends.

In early 2002, I began to sense a change in the make-up of the General Assembly as new members were elected. The attitudes and integrity of the those new members was affecting the comradery of the institution. So, I came home and told my spouse (redacted), that I was not going to seek reelection. My regret is that I did not work hard to secure new candidates who would continue the balance for the good of our state. Our country’s political future is in jeopardy.”

The person who forwarded this to me was one of those Democrats who worked with him. He is now an Independent, but remains interested in getting mutual conversation going. It has been more of an uphill battle these days.

Just a few more thoughts about how it used to be. In the US Congress, I read there used to be a common eating area that is now used for something else. It promoted conversation between elected officials, even across the aisle. Now, legislators socialize far less.

It was not uncommon to see folks like Senators John McCain and Joe Biden together. When McCain died a few years ago, I watched on “The View,” Biden switch seats to comfort a distraught Meghan McCain. He knew her as well as her father.

Finally, then Senator Barack Obama partnered several times with new Republican Senator Tom
Coburn from Oklahoma to pass legislation. Their partnership was based off a friendship when both started out. They wanted to make a difference and did.

So, collaboration can be done. And, that is how it used to be done. Legislation that is bipartisan will stand the test of time better than one sided legislation or legislation made to look that way as the party orders people not to vote for something for optics. We need to get it together and those folks who do not want it to happen are the ones who need to be questioned not the ones who do.