I was not mistaken, I was misquoted (a revisit)

I initially wrote this post twelve years ago. While a certain presidential candidate is highly prolific with lying dating well before his one term as president, he is not the first politician or person to be caught in a lie.

On our way to school this morning, my son and daughter were arguing over who said what. My son told his sister that she is acting like a politician and uttered, “I am not mistaken, I was misquoted.” I almost ran off the road it was so funny. It reminds me that you cannot hide from your comments in this day and age. They may be taken out of context, but they have been recorded somewhere, so you cannot disown them.

Last year, Charles Barkley, the former basketball player and current sports analyst, got some flack for what appeared in his book. His classic response was he was “misquoted.” To which the reporter replied, “But Charles, it is your autobiography.” Of course, we learned that Charles did not write his autobiography, but he least could have read it first.

Doonesbury is one of my favorite comic strips. In my paper, it sits right above Dilbert another favorite, which is a neat two for one reading. For about a week, Doonesbury was lampooning presidential candidate Mitt Romney for his inability to remember the hazing incident in high school. As the story goes, Romney and other students were offended by an effeminate look on another high school boy. So, they took it upon themselves to hold him down while they cut his locks. To this day, Romney’s co-conspirators are mortified and shamed by their past actions. One actually saw their victim a few years ago and apologized profusely. It goes without saying the victim remembers the incident.

Which leads us to Romney, who cannot recall the incidence and referred to it as high school hijinks. I have written in an earlier post the failure to remember is as bad as the incident, since he is now an adult. At age 53, I can remember all the dumb ass things I did in my life and I feel remorse if I offended someone. Since I try to do the right thing, I cannot always remember those, as they far outweigh my misdeeds. But, I can make a list of infamy very quickly and tell you how bad I feel even today.

Doonesbury had an appropriate field day with Romney’s lack of memory on this. My favorite remark was when Romney was lampooned for not being able to remember a “hate crime.” I would have felt much better about Romney if he owned up to his mistake and said this was an occasion where I screwed up in my youth and I feel horrible about it. It would have been even better, if he had reached out to the individual. And, I don’t want to let him off the hook for his hijinks either. While I did dumb things in my youth, I was never part of group that physically tormented one person.

While we are on Doonesbury, I was reminded the other night about their most famous lampooning that of George H.W. Bush, which went on for the rest of his political career and was even applied to his son. I was watching the HBO documentary “Reagan” which is quite even-handed and, as a result, quite good. The first act of George’s that started us down the path of misquoting is he is caught on video referring to Reagan’s economic plan as “Voodoo Economics” when he was running against Reagan for the GOP nomination. After becoming his Vice President, he was later asked about these comments. He said on video that he never said that. The documentary shows the footage of him doing so. As a sidebar, he was correct as Reaganomics did not work except for the wealthy.

If that were not enough, later during Reagan’s worst episode, the Iran-Contra affair where Reagan actually did something illegal and could have been impeached, Bush said he was not in certain meetings and did not have anything to do with the affair. The testimony and meeting notes showed that he was. Note, Reagan and Bush survived because Oliver North fell on the sword for his commanders and took the heat. So, Doonesbury started portraying Bush as a disembodied helmet. When he spoke, the words were evoked from underneath the helmet. To this day, if the senior Bush is included in the comic strip, he is referenced in this manner.

One of my favorites, though, are the immortal words of Senator John Kyl when he was caught in an erroneous comment about Planned Parenthood last spring (I believe it was last year). When his incorrect comments were pointed out to him, he said something close to don’t misinterpret what I say as a factual statement. I had to re-read this line three times because he is in essence is saying I am lying.

I know I have hit on several Republicans. I don’t dislike Reagan or the first Bush and I thought they did some good things during their presidencies. I also think Bill Clinton did some great things while he was President, but he uttered one of the most famous statements and then nitpicked it later when it was proven to be false. Bill Clinton will be remembered for two things. He was an effective President. And, he was a philanderer. So, when he stared into the camera and said slowly and emphatically “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” he was lying. When caught in the lie he spent a lot of time nitpicking over the word “is.” To do this day, I still don’t know what he was talking about, but he did have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky in every one else’s book.

Reagan also lied to the American people about the Iran-Contra affair. But, he did come back later and say he was wrong. That won him some Brownie points at least. Clinton never did a full mea culpa at least not to my satisfaction.

Let me close with the recent story about the tragedies going on in Syria. The ambassador for Syria was telling a reporter that the government did not have troops in Homs where a massacre was occurring. The reporter listened and said “But your tanks are rolling in Homs” while the footage was being played on the news. What Assad does not realize fully is we can see and hear what is going on. This is not like when his father did the same thing thirty years ago.

We are a world of imperfect people. We do and say dumb things. I am not saying that everyone should tell everyone their dirty laundry, but when it gets out in the open, take your medicine and say “yes, I screwed up.” I am big on context as you may have gleaned from earlier posts. When someone is quoted out of context, they should say “yes, I said that, but here is the context of why I said that.” It is like Newt Gingrich saying he was misquoted when he appeared with Nancy Pelosi on the global warming commercial noting he was wrong about denying global warming. When running for President, he said he really did not mean it when he denounced what he earlier believed. In other words, he double downed on denouncing. So, like double negatives, two denounces make a positive.

So, politicians and leaders, let’s practice our new statements for future use. You will need them.

– “I was wrong and feel terrible about it.”

– “I did say that and hear is why I said that.”

– “I screwed up. I will fix what I have done and will try to do better.”

– “I used to believe that way, but after doing more research and with the benefit of experience, I have changed my position.”

I will like you more if you do. I am sure others will as well.

Golf is rich with sayings

I mentioned in a recent blogpost that an older golfer advised my wife late in the round we were playing with him and his wife that he knew what her golfing problem was. “You are standing too close to the ball after you hit it.” Golf is rich with stories and sayings like that.

Here are a few. I hope I do not offend people by some references. Please note the average male golfer physique won’t put him on the cover of a romance novel, so read a few of these sayings with that in mind. Liz Taylor would not be dating any of these guys.

A “Mickey Mantle” refers to a pulled shot or a “dead yank,” as the former Yankee great is deceased.

Famous pro Gary Player was asked by a reporter about a lucky shot and said “I’ve learned the more I practice, the luckier I get.”

I was once told I have a “towards” problem in golf. I am hitting the ball “towards the wrong direction.”

A “Liz Taylor” refers to a shot that is a little bit heavy, but a pretty good shot,” using the beautiful actress’ struggle with weight later in her career (see above reference). Heavy means you took a little too much grass on the shot and did not get the full force on the ball.

Famous golf great Bobby Jones said the following about a young Jack Nicklaus, “He plays a game with which I am not familiar.”

When you hit a ball into the woods, you can imitate the very southern TV evangelist Reverend Ernest Ainsley and say “Out Satan” or “Be healed.” Be sure to accentuate “SA-tan” and “HEALed.”

A “Fatter than a Mother-in-law” is just a very heavy shot where you hit a lot more grass than ball. Of course, my mother-in-law was in great shape with her walking, so my “mother-in-law” shot would be pretty good.

A male putter who leaves a putt short is referred to as “Alice” or is asked “Alice, does your husband play too?” By the way, women putt just as good as the men.

A huge slice is referred to as a “banana shot.”

Golf great Lee Trevino played a fade like Ben Hogan used to. When asked why, Trevino said “You can talk to a fade, but a hook just won’t listen.”

A duck hook is a “quacker.” Maybe that is why Trevino played a fade.

A person who putts the ball from well off the green is using a “Texas wedge” referring to his putter (see next comment about Texas wind).

An intentionally low hit drive is a “Texas wind shear” because of the windy conditions there.

Speaking of Trevino, a friend who lived in Dallas bumped into Trevino with his child at a McDonalds on the Monday following Trevino’s win at the Colonial tournament. My friend complimented Trevino on a particular wedge shot to which Trevino said “Thanks, but it is my 5 iron that keeps me from having to dig ditches for a living.”

A high or skied shot is said to “bring rain.”

A topped shot is laughed off as it “is still in play.”

A ball that caroms off a tree back into play is laughed off with “I am glad I know where the trees are” or more creatively the “Tree fairies are kind to me.”

A swing that misses the ball is a “whiff” but is laughed off as a practice shot. No one believes that statement by the way.

A ball that skips off the water to dry land is laughed off as “I am glad I know where the rocks are.”

Let me close with a local true story. A woman who sold drinks as she drove a cart around the course knew how to give it back to these flirtatious guys who think their beer gut does not make them less sexy. One day she told the guys the rock in her necklace was a “sex stone.” After many guesses as to why it is called a sex stone, she told them it was “Just an effing rock” using the actually word.

If I offended anyone, please forgive me. Liz Taylor is arguably one of the most beautiful women ever. So, any golf shot compared to her is on the better side of shots.

Did I ever tell you about the time…

Did I ever tell you about the time…

-I went on a blind date only to discover she was a minister halfway through the meal? I hope I did not say anything risqué.

-my colleague drove two hours to a client meeting, when said client arrived at our offices thinking the meeting was here? Oops.

-I fell off the back of a two-foot tall choral riser during a community play when one of the back legs of my chair shifted off the riser at intermission? I thought my date was moving forward, when to my surprise I was falling backwards to a loud crash. No one was hurt, just my ego.

-A client had a heart attack during one of our meetings in our office. He was well overweight and a big drinker, so when he started sweating profusely it was not a good sign. Rosie O’Donnell uses an acronym HEPPP to alert people to the symptoms of heart attack. Hot, Exhausted, Pain, Pale, Puke. Recognize these symptoms as signs to call 911 immediately. The client did survive.

-My prom date imbibed too much at dinner as did the three other members of our double date, so when she waived in the parking lot to the other couple she fell backwards? To my surprise, I caught her with one arm about six inches from the ground and stood her back up. It must have been Adrenalin that did it. She had no clue of the peril we avoided, but we did make a good prom picture later.

-My limited time quirky administrative assistant once called in sick with a funny excuse that her power went out, so she turned on her gas stove to stay warm with the oven door down and while calling the power company, forgot said door and tripped over it spraining her ankle? Miss Grace she was not.

– I was walking into a sunset in a parking garage and could not see a diagonally descending I-beam. At 6’5”, I walked right into that beam and was propelled backward about three feet. I looked like a boxer who just took a punch to the forehead. Mr. Grace I was not. I survived, but would have been counted out by a referee.

-My wife and I were playing golf in the mountains with an older couple we were paired up with. On the 17th hole after one of my wife’s less than perfect shots, the man said to her eager to learn ears, “I know what your problem is. You are standing too close to the ball AFTER you hit it.”

So, to sum up. Don’t drink and drive, don’t sit on the back row, don’t walk into a sunset without shades, don’t drive to the wrong meeting place, don’t drive a golf ball poorly, don’t let your weight get out of hand, don’t date a minister unless you know beforehand, so you can watch your double entendres, and don’t forget lowered oven doors!

A man won’t be shot while doing the dishes (repeat and rinse)

The following is an encore post. Please enjoy and offer your humorous examples.

Staying married takes effort. The same could be said about any relationship. If you don’t work at it, it won’t last. The title is a funny, but true metaphor that will keep you married – if you do the dishes, even if only periodically, you at least will survive another day and not get shot. There are two messages in this saying – share the load and keep your sense of humor. Since we need a break these days, let me focus on the humor.

Comedian Tom Arnold had the funniest line which seems to apply to our household. When asked by the women on “The View” about how long does a physically romantic interlude last, he replied “thirty minutes.” When the women were surprised at his answer, he clarified, “yes, five minutes of foreplay, five minutes of sex and twenty minutes to get all the pillows off the bed.” My wife and I roared with this answer as we have so many decorative pillows that take up more than 1/2 the bed.

Speaking of beds, in our house the last one up makes the bed. I sincerely try to make up the bed like my wife does, but apparently I fall short of perfection. My wife sighs and then pulls, smoothes and tugs to remedy my effort. My guess is my female readers who are or have been married are nodding yes as they read this. My wife tends to arise later, so it may this very reason. Or, it could be the first one up has to feed the cat and dog, make the coffee and get the paper.

There is one more chore with the cat, who we found out is diabetic last spring. He is doing well, but each morning and evening, we have to give the cat insulin. So, a common question in our house is strange, “Did you shoot the cat?” He will often come to us after eating and we will pet him, then give him his insulin. Yet, he will sometimes vamoose if he senses something is up or if the dog chases him away. Herding a cat is an art form.

The sense of humor thing keeps us honest. We often laugh at ourselves and feel open to teasing. Watching shows and movies are always interesting if they have a sad event. I will tear up with any scene where a parent/ child moment occurs over a tragedy or reunion. My wife will ball over any extended illness scene having lost her brother to Leukemia. * So, we tend to tease each other about our sappiness. My wife likes to joke how I try to tactically wipe a tear away without her noticing, which I usually fail to achieve. I will asking “are you crying?” “No,” is often her answer through tears.

Share the load, laugh a lot. And, a well placed hug or caress never hurts. Just don’t throw the dish towel at her or she may snap it back at you.

* As examples, the final scene of “Field of Dreams” with the grown son asking his dad for a game of catch gets me every time. My wife will have the same reaction with “Terms of Endearment.”

Valentine’s Day Funnies

Just a few Valentine’s Day funnies to lighten the mood.

-On one of the First Dates shows, an elderly woman told the waitress “At our age you don’t have to worry about meeting the parents.”

-On one of my dates where we attended a community play at a church hall, we sat on fold out chairs on a two foot high choral riser. After intermission, I was sipping some wine and my date appeared to be moving forward. One of my chair legs had slipped off the back and instead I was going backwards to a loud crash. I was OK, but my pride hurt.

-On another date who lived out in the country, I was leaving after midnight under a pitch dark sky. I was moving quietly not realizing a horse in their pasture was near my car. When the horse whinnied, saying I was startled is an understatement. If I had to go, I just might have.

-On another “almost date,” she got mad at me and chose not to go, but let me drive 45 minutes to tell me so. Her drive way was diagonally uphill, so in a huff, I tried to back down the hill. Mistake. I got stuck on a rock garden and could not get out. Her father had to tow me off the garden while she fumed looking out the window. Our previous date would become our last one.

-On one of the First Dates shows, one woman was so disappointed in her date, she went to the restroom and did a runner. The waitress had to tell the poor chap. He seemed nice, so she could have least lasted the date instead of ditching him with cameras rolling. He was invited back to the show and had a successful date.

-On one breakfast at a B&B, I was using my hands to tell a story. Unfortunately, the owner of the B&B was trying to place my dishes on the table and I knocked the plates and food out of his hands. We offered to pay for the broken plate finding the pattern online, but he would have none of it.

-Finally at another B&B, we arrived during a rain storm. As we settled into sleep, the roof caved in on top of us. We were moved to another room and water was running down the wall. The third room was the charm. Thank goodness we had not started any hanky panky!

What are some of your dating funnies?

Leftovers for breakfast

Breakfast is my favorite meal. Maybe breaking the fast is the key. Yet, traditional breakfast food need not be the only choices for breakfast. Mind you, eggs, bacon, grits, cereal, yogurt and oatmeal are great menu items. But, leftovers make interesting foods to break the fast.

Leftover pizza is a great example. I usually throw it the toaster oven to warm up. I have read some like to warm cold pizza up face side down in a frying pan. Of course, my wife likes it cold straight out of the fridge.

This morning leftover meatloaf presented itself. I like mine with toasted bread and spicy mustard. I like to warm up the meatloaf, but my wife prefers hers cold. Meatloaf is a comfort food no matter when it is served. Earlier in the week, I heated up a hamburger, its own mini-meatloaf.

Leftover casseroles are well-suited for breakfast. Macaroni and cheese, lasagna, broccoli casserole, any chicken casserole, stuffing, rice dishes or, drum roll please, leftover breakfast casseroles. We just finished up some leftover cornbread from New Year’s Day. My wife added some sweet corn to the bread. Yum.

Then there are restaurant leftovers beyond pizza. Leftover omelets, Chinese food, skillets, potatoes, etc. fit the bill.

Setting that aside, my wife gets up later than I do, so I often get breakfast envy when she makes an egg sandwich. She usually leaves the leftovers to me, eating them only once after their maiden serving.

So, eat that extra food. It saves money and trash. And, it is very comforting. One caveat – eat them reasonably quickly as even leftovers have a “best by” date.

A very interesting comedian passed away – Tom Smothers

Per an article in The Guardian earlier today by Erun Salaam called “Tom Smothers of sibling comedy duo the Smothers Brothers dies at age 86,” the life of an interesting comedian is noted.

“Tom Smothers, half of the comedy group the Smothers Brothers, has died at the age of 86.

Smothers was described as ‘not only the loving older brother that everyone would want in their life,’ but as ‘a one-of-a-kind creative partner,’ according to a statement by his brother Dick Smothers on Wednesday shared by the National Comedy Center.

Dick also shared that Tom, who died after a battle with cancer, was at home with his family when he died.

Tom, along with Dick, performed in a folk musical comedy duo, and became known for their controversial political satire. Their variety show, The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, which ran from 1967 to 1969, was famously pulled by CBS after the two took a stance against the Vietnam war and were in favor of civil rights in their performances.

Although Tom and Dick successfully sued CBS after cancelling their show and proved they did not breach their contract, the program never returned to air.

‘Tom was not only the loving older brother that everyone would want in their life, he was a one-of-a-kind creative partner,’ Dick said in the statement shared by the National Comedy Center. ‘I am forever grateful to have spent a lifetime together with him, on and off stage, for over 60 years. Our relationship was like a good marriage – the longer we were together, the more we loved and respected one another. We were truly blessed.’”

Their routine was unique in that it deployed music which was constantly interrupted by Tom’s feigned confusion, as he questioned his brother Dick on what he meant. It was at his best when the issue was absurd and could not be explained. It was ideal for political humor. When the testy Dick may have hit home with his point, Tom might loudly say “Mom always liked you best.”

Their being forced off the air by CBS has some irony to it, as it was famous CBS news presenter Walter Cronkite who said that America needed to stop its involvement in the Vietnam War. President Nixon famously said when you lose Cronkite, you lose America. Sadly, per the later released Pentagon Papers, Nixon and previous presidents knew that fighting the Vietnam War was a futile effort. So, not only were they within their right to complain, they were right.

As for Civil Rights, the Smothers Brothers were also in the right to speak out for those whose Civil Rights were threatened. It took America several years to realize the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts meant something needed to change. It still does.

If you get a chance watch some footage of the Smothers Brothers. It is a treat.

A pocketful of acorns (one more time)

My wife and I were walking in the woods one morning and she came across a beautiful specimen of an acorn, brushed it off and pocketed it to take home. We both laughed as our children used to do this when they were little. Each time we went for a family hike or one where I took the kids out to give my wife some “me time,” I would return with a pocketful of acorns. Usually, fifteen to twenty acorns would make it home, sometimes filling both pockets in my pants, as I was the designated carrier.

To my kids, the acorns were treasures, something far more valuable than what they were. So, we would collect them until we had too many and they would forget about them. And, then when we went out again, we came back with more. I think it is the quest for acorns that made them special. Or, they just wanted a memento or souvenir of our morning walk. This morning, my wife’s acorn brought these memories back to top of mind.

When all is said and done, it is these memories that are mileposts in our lives. These memories are our “pocketful of acorns.” I cherish our family and it makes me smile when something happens which brings up one of these mileposts. Witnessing the actions of the children of our niece and her husband is one set of reminders taking us back to how our children acted. This is one reason I surround myself with pictures of our kids, especially when they were little.

My daughter, like many daughters, loved to wear hats and sunglasses. So, we have numerous pictures of her with a joyous smile in such attire. My sons loved their army men, Legos and hats as well, so we have pictures of them clad in hats or playing with their army men outside. I have one “acorn” of my youngest son, swinging on our swing in the back singing his own version of ACDC’s “TNT.” I have another “acorn” of my oldest son in his first Halloween costume as a clown and, just in case you did not know what he was, he would announce “I am a clown.”

I have another acorn of my youngest son asleep on his crib mattress at the bottom of the stairs after we put up a big boy bed and brought the old one down. My daughter left with us several acorns of her trying to wake me when I fell asleep reading her a story again and again. My guys left me with an acorn of laughing at me when I jumped on the bed to tell them a story and bounced off and down between the wall and bed.

Let’s do our best to remember our own pockeftul of acorns. They will bring a smile to your face, like it does to mine.

Travel safely, eat wisely and walk often

My favorite holiday of Thanksgiving is approaching. It is a time of fellowship, family and food. A lot of food.

While retailers want to steal (operative word) the holiday with Christmas sales, do your best to moderate your zeal and spending. Nothing says Happy Birthday Jesus like a mountain of debt in January.

So, a few things to remember about this holiday:

-drive safely expecting delays will happen (on I-95 take it to the bank you will be delayed);

-eat wisely with small portions sampling Aunt Edna’s broccoli casserole or your mother’s sweet potato soufflé (note serving several calorie loaded casseroles at one time is truly a test of willpower);

-help with the clean up – don’t let the cooks do the clean up (that means you too macho man or phone holding teen);

-walk later to help with digestion (plus it frees space for a turkey sandwich lathered in mayo later);

-don’t talk politics unless (and only then) you know the entire room would agree with most of what you say (if you do, two pinches of tact will help); and

-tell stories about those who are no longer with us; remember them well – your kids, no matter how old, like hearing stories like this giving them a sense of belonging.

To this purpose, my father loved to cook outside and would take the time and effort to smoke a turkey and ham for Thanksgiving. He would put them on before going to bed, tend to them during the night and take the smaller ham off in the wee morning and turkey close to lunch time.

My mother was casserole queen – turkey dressing and various casseroles with broccoli, squash, green beans and sweet potato as the star attraction. I would tease her into making a few broiled vegetables without the cream of whatever soups. Of course, she learned the dressing recipe from her mother.

One of my grandmother’s brothers would use his cane to poke you in the shoe while you were sitting in the “parlor” to get your undivided attention for his next story. One of her sisters would tell the kids, let’s play marbles meaning the board game Aggravation. But, my grandmother could hold her own with the storytelling.

On my wife’s side we miss one of her brothers who would invariably express his love for this rooster picture in our den, forgetting each time he and his wife gave us said picture. His wife would be in tears holding back the laughter each time.

So, drive safely, eat wisely and walk more. Also, spend and speak judiciously and remember those who cannot be there. Happy Thanksgiving.

Dorothy and Lindsey with an “e” – starting a chat

I have written several times before about chatting with customer service people. When I worked, I would often look for talking point threads in pictures, diplomas, t-shirt or ball cap logos or sayings. I do the same in stores or hair salons.

Yesterday, I had two examples within the same hour, one with Dorothy and the other with Lindsey, who spelled her name with an “e” rather than “a.” More on that later.

Dorothy checked me out of grocery store. She reminded me of an older Nichelle Nicholas. After friendly banter, I told her I thought her name was Delores. She said “oh no, I like my name better.” I asked if she was named after “The Wizard of Oz” Dorothy. She said she was and that was her favorite movie as a result. She still watches it when it comes on. We had a more discussion, but it started all because of her name.

A few minutes earlier, I got what few hairs I have cut. Here I am a captive audience, so I asked the stylist (barber for me) her name. She replied Lindsey and she spelled it for me. I asked if using an “a” was more common. So, that led us to a discussion of various spelling of names, including that of my wife’s. We then discussed where she was from (eastern PA) and that we were meeting some friends that night from Harrisburg, PA in the central part of the state.

Which of course led to a discussion about going to the Hershey factory and a trip to Amish country. At Hershey, you can create your own candy bar which they will make for you. Finally, we segued to kids and their friends and I shared that we got to visit with their friends before they went up to play upstairs. Hearing them laugh as they played was a joy.

A true story I told her is we knew from these kids’ conversations that one of the friends had a sister who served on the staff in the Obama White House. About two years later, I met an older man at a charity fundraiser and he was telling me about his daughter who worked for Obama and his son who went off to UNC in Chapel Hill. I searched for the name and asked if his son was named Jake. He was stunned  and I told him how I knew him – Jake was at my house playing a RPG that my son led every Saturday for four years.

Talk to people. You never know where conversations might lead. I have shared before other conversations that took flight after a few easy questions. (I remember a conversation that evolved from a few questions about why someone was traveling to my home town – it turned out I went to high school with her for one year and she dated a business friend’s roommate from college.) I do sense that customer service staff do enjoy the banter to reduce the monotony of their job, even from this old fart. So, make their day – or at least yours.