Rob Roy and Linked-In (an encore)

I have been away from Linked In for a several months and was making some updates the past few days adding a number of connections. For those of you who have been on this network building site, invitations lead to mining which lead to more invitations and so on. My wife was using our family computer as I did this connection building on my work computer a few feet away.

She was listening to me comment on some of the names that I viewed as I scrolled down the list and became fascinated by my sorting observations. The observations are the unfiltered first reaction to a name on someone else’s inventory list which heavily influence the decision of whether to invite or not invite someone to “friend” you for lack of a better term. The reason I mention this exercise is I had just completed watching yet again one of my favorite movies “Rob Roy” starring Liam Neeson in the title role and Jessica Lange as his wife. Why is this important and what does it have to do with LInked In?

If you have never seen “Rob Roy” I would encourage you to do so. Without giving away the end, the theme of the movie is “Your honor is a gift you give to yourself.” Rob Roy’s honor is more dear to him than anything else. He would not be who he is without it. His wife, family, clan and even enemies admire him for it. I have shared this with my children as well. I tell them their name is the most important asset they have . When someone mentions your name, what do you want people to say about you? Do you want them to say “I don’t trust him” or “he is not a hard worker” or would you rather them to say “his word is gold” or “he has got your back?”

Using this context, as I sorted through the names of people on the connection list of others, recollections like these came to mind. As an Old Fart who has been in an industry and area for a long time, I know a lot of people. And, they also know me and would hopefully have more things on the good side of the ledger to say about me. I had a colleague once whose reputation was not pristine. He once commented that he had been marketing to someone for 18 years and knew them well. I made the comment to myself, “and they also knew you, as they have never hired you for any work.”

As I went down the Linked In list, by far the names I recognized provoked a favorable reaction. I haven’t thought about that person in years or where are they now? Yet, there was a handful that proves the antithesis to the Roby Roy theme is alive and well. My wife would ask about a particular sigh or “tsk.” I would comment this person is not very trustworthy (I declared some as sleazy), this person is a jerk to others, or this person is a real rectum.

These observations were usually based on concrete examples, so they were more than the result of personal interaction. One would more often than not try to game the system. One made everything more difficult than it needed to be. One went out of his way to have a very good employee fired over a minor screw-up, which is ironic since the accuser was far from perfect. One took a female colleague into a stairwell to bless her out (this one scared me when I first heard about it). One was fired for sexual harassment by two different employers by being an asshole primarily to female subordinates. Not to be gender specific, there are a few women on the list who elicit a negative reaction as well.

In my dealings with people through the years, one of my pet peeves is when someone treats a perceived subordinate of another supervisor differently than he does a perceived peer. In other words, they look down on the subordinates, suck up to the managers and treat the peers in a more appropriate way. The example of the person fired is an extreme one, but more common is the condescending tone used by these people to perceived subordinates or actual subordinates.

I recognize I have used extreme examples to prove my point, yet these are the ones I would sigh and pass on when I saw their names. On the flip side, there are many of whom I am proud they would accept my invitation to be in my network. They are the ones who provoke the Rob Roy type response. That is what we should aspire to be. People whose name provokes fond memories or respect. Atticus Finch is another name in books and movies that evokes such a response. I often say my wife is easily the best half of our family. She has commented to me about how wonderful neighborhoods have been where we once lived. I finally told her the neighborhoods were nice because you lived in them. You made them nicer and people responded to your efforts.

But, in-between these extremes are people who are accountable and responsible. They work hard and they endeavor to do the right thing. Sometimes they give in to temptation and feel badly about it. They would then fess up and take their medicine. One of the lessons I received early on was about the friar who responded appropriately to the question “what would you do if you found someone’s wallet filled with a lot of money?” The first person answered “I would turn it in to the law” while the next person said “I would keep it.” The third friar said truthfully “I would be tempted to keep it, but would pray that God would give me the strength to turn it in.”

Your name is so very important. How do you want to be remembered when it is heard? It is up to you, so please remember Rob Roy’s mantra – “Your honor is a gift you give to yourself.” None of us are perfect, but it is a goal we should each aspire to reach. If you don’t, Linked In can serve as the reminder to others you don’t want.

Don’t point a finger when you can lend a hand – a repeat message

“Don’t point a finger when you can lend a hand.” Sounds profoundly simple doesn’t it? Yet, why is it such a underutilized approach? One of our friend’s father was good with his hands, but also had a big heart. Before he passed away, it was not uncommon for him and a group of handymen from his church to visit sites of hurricanes and help people repair and rebuild.

Even though you may not be a handy person yourself, volunteering to help means a great deal to the community, but also yourself. Probably the most exhausted I have ever been is when a work group from my company helped build a Habitat for Humanity house. I was so tired, this right-handed person was hammering up the insulation with his left hand at the end of the day. But, I also felt very rewarded in doing something good.

Yet, you do not need to have carpentry tools in your hands to help others. Use your skills, experiences and contacts to help others. Help people with their resumes, prepare for interviews or presentations, or dress to impress with your donated clothes. Or, better yet, help them with contacts to companies that could help them network or get hired. As someone who has helped homeless families, a key stumbling block is these families have exhausted their networks or their circle of friends and family are in a similar situation

One of the key skill sets the licensed social workers (at the agency I volunteered with) taught their clients is how to budget. What is a need versus a want? And, sometimes they did this with tough, but empathetic love. I recall the story of one woman laying her head down on her dining room table to cry as the bills piled up. The social worker said I know it is tough, but we must go through them and figure out what and how much we can pay and who we need to call for more time.

A minister named Bob Lupton who lives with his family among the folks he helps wrote a great book called “Toxic Charity.” We were so impressed by the book, we invited him to speak to volunteer groups here. His main message is don’t do for someone what they can do for themselves. True charity should be reserved for emergency. We should help people climb a ladder, but they need to climb it. Those Habit for Humanity recipients had to first put in sweat equity on other houses before they could work on their own house.

One of the things Lupton said is also telling. In your churches, business groups and organizations, sits an abundance of skill sets. Encourage these folks to offer those skills to help others. Maybe they could help someone start a business, maybe they could help teach or nurture a talent like baking, cooking, carpentry, or computer skills or maybe they could help look after children while the parents go to some night classes to get a GED or achieve a community college degree.

The key is there is little use to point a finger to blame people for their situation. Maybe they did make some bad decisions that greased the skids for their problem. Maybe they trusted the wrong guy and he was abusive or stole from her. Maybe they were not strong enough to say no to bad things. Maybe they had to forego car repairs and it broke down. Maybe they lost one of two jobs. Maybe they were too passionate in the moment and did not insist on using birth control.

In the group I helped, 1/3 of the homeless working families we helped were homeless due to domestic violence. These families lost half their income, their home and were beaten by an abusive person. The level of PTSD in these families is as high or higher than that of a combat veteran. Not knowing where your next meal will come from or seeing your mother battered and embarrassed is a hard pill to swallow.

We all make bad decisions. We all find ourselves in circumstances where we wonder how it got to this point. But, many of us have better support groups that will help us through. I am reminded of the line from the Madonna song “Papa don’t preach, I’m in trouble,” where the daughter asks for help and gets it after she screwed up.

So, don’t point a finger when you can lend a hand. We have all needed one from time to time. Happy holidays all.

Just a couple of sayings for a melancholy smile

As we were going through some old clothes and housing items in various closets, we came across two carved signs with sayings. The first one may be more unique to us, but I will share it anyway.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN BISCUITS AND GRAVY.

My wife will order biscuits and gravy off a breakfast menu almost every time. Of course, it is bad for her, but it does taste good. Loving me more than that sinful indulgence is high praise.

The second one is more general, but is also a sadly comical reminder that we will become more forgetful or worse. Unfortunately, our mothers were in the worse category.

LET’S BE FRIENDS AND IF WE BECOME SENILE, WE CAN BE NEW FRIENDS.

Dementia, Alzheimer’s are horrible diseases as they hurt the patient as well as their loved ones. The only thing you can do at some point is just be there for them. Give them company and conversation. Be a friend.

A friend once told me she showed up to see her Alzheimer’s afflicted father at a Long Term Care facility and she found him in the great room listening to a singer. She quietly sat down beside him and when he noticed her he got excited and said “You’re on our team.”

So, the moral is eat the “occasional” order of biscuits and gravy, but exercise in-between orders, and be a “new” friend to your memory-losing parents, spouses, siblings and friends. Our mothers remembered old song lyrics and parts of old events, so nurture those dangling memories. And, wear the same lotion, after-shave or perfume as I read the memories from the sense of smell seem to linger on longer than others.

Both Sides Now – a repeat tribute to a worthy and universal song

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Joni Mitchell.

From where I sit, one of America’s greatest songwriters is Joni Mitchell. Perhaps my favorite song of hers is “Both Sides Now.” Ironically, it was popularized by Suite Judy Blue Eyes herself, Judy Collins. I also enjoy Neil Diamond’s version with his deeper voice, but Judy’s version is the one most folks know. First, let’s take a peek at the lyrics:

Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

In addition to melancholic and reflective nature of the song, “Both Sides Now” resonates with me as it makes you think of issues, events and people from different perspectives. How we view things is based on our history of experiences. A line from the Heart song “Straight on for You” would reinforce this “what the winner don’t know the gambler understands.”

Mitchell starts with clouds as we lie on our backs and reflect. I find this a clever metaphor. Yet, what you see in the clouds can and will change. Not to mention when you ask someone else what he or she sees, you are likely to get a different answer. So, we really don’t know clouds at all, as what can be seen varies, even with the same observer.

But, the same holds true for love and life, as well. In the US, about half the people who get married, eventually get divorced. Once the passion abates from its peak, people have a different set of experiences and perspectives. As an old fart who has been married for thirty-eight years, it is important that you like your spouse, as well as love her or him. If you don’t, then your marriage will have some challenges. So, we all have viewed love from both sides now.

This goes hand-in-hand with life, as well. Think back on how many opinions of yours have changed over the years. Think back on who you thought were true friends, who you do not involve yourself with anymore. Think back on how it was to struggle with a budget and how it is far easier to make ends meet when you have some money. With the number of people who have been exposed to the precipice of poverty or who have fallen over the cliff, many never imagined that this could happen to them. Your perspective changes when you have to stand in a line to collect unemployment benefits or go on food stamps.

I was thinking about this song after I read the post by Emily January on “Zenzele: a letter for my daughter,” especially when she speaks of the two men you will meet – the one you will be madly in love with and the one who will be your rock to live with day-in and day-out. I also believe my love for this song is a reason why I enjoy Malcolm Gladwell’s books. He describes himself as an outsider based on how he looked and who his parents were, a multi-racial couple (one from Jamaica and one from England) growing up in Toronto. So, he has an uncanny ability to see things from both sides or at least two perspectives. He is constantly challenging normative thoughts and beliefs as he can see things from an outside in perspective.

Joni, as per usual, you got it right. Your song stands the test of time due to the underlying truth in the lyrics. Thanks for setting your wonderful scripted words to such a beautiful melody.

To all our sexy mothers (an encore post for Mother’s Day)

The following is an encore post in advance of Mothers’Day here in the states. Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers of all ages. To put your mind at ease, my thoughts with the title is for our sexy wives and single mothers, not for my mother, who I think of differently as a son, although she was quite the looker when younger. Yet, even our own mothers are women first.  

As my wife and I drive back from visiting my mother, my wife is singing along with the Divine Ms. M as she takes her turn behind the wheel. What we and others love about Bette Midler is the range of music and emotions she will take you through from the pious to the profane. As she can be a tad bawdy, it reminded me that my wife and the mothers of our children are like Bette and should never forget that sexy woman they are.

And, it is essential that we co-parents and boyfriends/ girlfriends should remind them of such. Our blogging friends, Erika (Erika Kind) and Holly (A Heart Afire) have written posts about unconditional love, being not only supportive but attentive to the needs of each other. Being able to see past the shortcomings and see the beauty and sublime. As I write this, my wife and Bette are singing the lyric “Did you ever know that you are my hero?” which seems fitting.

Yet, we should never lose sight of women’s sensuality and sexuality even if they are mothers. With the added responsibility of raising children (hopefully along with an active co-parent), these women need more than ever that focus on them and their needs.

This focus need not be grand gestures, but those help. It is those things we do throughout the day that matter. And, they really are the beginning of foreplay for later on. The kiss on the back of the neck, the phone call during the day, the touch of a hand or caress of a cheek, the hug in the hallway as you pass or kitchen as you cook. Or, it may be the “noticed” or “stated” glimpse of how good she looks in that blouse, sun dress or pair of jeans. Our friend Erika calls them “almost shy gestures” that make a difference.

So, let’s not forget our sexy mothers. And, remember they are the women who look past our shortcomings. We co-parents certainly have them, whether we are men or women. Happy Mother’s Day.

Oh, lord please don’t let me be misunderstood (once again, with feeling)

“Don’t Let be Misunderstood” is a song written by Bennie Benjamin, Horace Ott and Sol Marcus for the singer and pianist Nina Simone, who first recorded it in 1964. The song has been covered by many artists, most notably by The Animals, whose blues rock version of the song became a transatlantic hit in 1965. (Per Wikipedia). Cat Stevens does a meaningful interpretation as well, as he tempers the sound so the words seep through.

The song has an important message, but first here are the lyrics.

“People, do you understand me now,
If sometimes I feel a little mad
Don’t you know no one alive can
Always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem a little sad
But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

You know sometimes, I’m so carefree
With a joy that’s hard to hide
Sometimes seems that all I have is worry
And then you’re bound to see my other side
But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy, I want you to know
That I never mean to take it out on you
Life has its problems and I get more
Than my share
But that’s one thing I never mean to do
I don’t mean it

People, don’t you know I’m only human
Don’t you know I have faults like any one
But sometimes I find myself alone regretting
Some little thing; some foolish thing
That I have done,
But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

Don’t let me be misunderstood
I’m just someone whose intentions are good
Don’t let me be misunderstood,
Don’t let me be misunderstood”

My wife suggested I include this song in a post. She feels people are being misunderstood as others are not taking the time to listen. If we listen to each other, the context of a comment will finds its way in. Once you listen, you then have earned the right to be heard in return. A key part of the song is to start out with assuming the intentions are good. That may be giving too much credit, but if we listen first, we can ask better questions.

I have often written about Daryl Davis, an African-American man who has convinced more than 200 white men to leave the Ku Klux Klan. He said he did it by listening. Then, he would ask a few questions and listen some more. He observed that people, even with strong opinions he disagreed with, just want to be heard. By listening, he would ask probing, thoughtful questions that made the person think.

I truly admire this man, his courage and his approach. If we emulate him, we can have better conversations. Using his approach, we can find some common ground. And that is more than a good start.

Is this how I would want my daughter treated?

The title of this post should be a basic question we men should ask of ourselves when we see or hear folks denigrating or acting out against women. If the answer is no, then we men should speak out. Or, you could substitute wife, girlfriend, mother or granddaughter if more appropriate.

Would you want your daughter to be denied a chance to speak at a meeting because an overbearing man would not let her?

Would you want your daughter to be physically touched, groped, stared at or propositioned by a more senior male colleague?

Would you want your daughter to be pressured by a scheduling manager for sex in a trade off for a good schedule?

Would you want your daughter be paid less than a man she is more qualified than working the same job?

Would you want your daughter to be restricted from making health care decisions about her own body?

Would you want your daughter to be sexually assaulted on a college campus, in the military, or work? Would you want her claims to not be believed or her treated like she asked to be raped?

Would you want your daughter to be pulled into a life of sex trafficking?

Would you vote for candidates who want to restrict the rights of your daughter?

Advocate for women. Vote for those who will protect and honor the rights of women. Remember this Chinese proverb – women hold up half the sky. It is wrong to treat women as less citizens than men, but it is also unwise to limit the opportunities of half of our talent in a very competitive world.

Kicking kids off healthcare could be called bullying

A headline from The Guardian for an article by Richard Luscombe speaks volumes – “Florida ‘callously’ strips healthcare from thousands of children despite new law.” The subheadline puts the blame squarely on the shoulders of where it belongs – “Governor Ron DeSantis’s challenging of a ‘continuous eligibility’ rule has booted over 22,000 children off insurance since January.”

In essence, the mean-spirited actions of the failed presidential candidate is due to his challenge of a federal boost to the Children’s Healthcare Insurance Plan. The governor has challenged this law, but instead of waiting for a ruling, he decided to kick kids out.

I find it interesting that the governor is more concerned with the books available to kids to read than their health. A kid may be struggling with a flu bug, but at least they’re not reading “Huckleberry Finn.”

It should be noted, the governor has been on my radar screen before he became governor. In Congress, he tended to grandstand more than govern. He was not unlike Marjorie Taylor Greene is now. Yet, he parlayed his actions into becoming governor running against a less-than-stellar opponent. Fortunately, the Republican Party saw him for what he was – a meaner version of the former president – and sent him packing.

Kicking kids off healthcare is not a good strategy. One could even say it is the actions of a bullying nature.

Birth Control Message – a repeat from The Boss

The following is an encore performance for a post written years ago and repeated once before.

I think I have cited Bruce Springsteen (The Boss) on a couple of occasions, but I want to lift some lyrics from one of my favorite songs of his “The River” which is pertinent to my point of readily available birth control and education. This song is about a man remembering nostalgically how he used to go “down to the river” with his girlfriend and how life was much simpler before she got pregnant with his child.

The lyrics I want to quote are as follows:

“Then, I got Mary pregnant and man, that was all she wrote.

And, for my nineteenth birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat.

We went down to the courthouse and the judge put it all to rest.

No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle.

No flowers, no wedding dress.”

In my post “If Churches Really Want to Make a Difference” a few weeks ago, I suggest that the church should be more involved with legitimate sex education with their young teenagers, including the use of contraception. Kids don’t know enough about this subject and it is the thing they talk most about. The peer pressure is intense. It is more than OK to discuss abstinence, but if you remember your teenage years, that is not going to happen very often. I won’t repeat all of the points made therein, but informed teens should be aware of the need for protected sex as well as ways to say no, if they feel pressured (if a girl) and ways to treat a girl who is saying no (if a boy).

The LA Times reported just this week that data released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) showed the birthrate among American teens between 15 and 19, while decreased since 1991 is still at 34.3 births per 1,000 women. That rate is 5 times the teen birthrate in France and 2 1/2 times the teen birthrate in Canada. It is also higher than the rates in China and Russia. The CDC reports that 80% of teen pregnancies are unintended meaning after unprotected sex or under protected sex. We have a higher incidence of sexual assault among teens as well.

Using Springsteen’s song, Mary did not need to end up pregnant. With birth control access and better sex education, Mary and the boy could have been more adroit at handling the issue before the heat of the moment caused a fait accompli. The rest of the song talks about how Mary and the boy go through the motions of life after being forced to do the right thing and marry. Their dreams were stifled. Yet, if she could say no, or have protected intercourse, then their lives need not be over.

My main point is so many issues could be better addressed through a better protected and more informed group of teenagers. There is high correlation to poverty and family size, especially if the family starts early. There is a high percentage of single parents in teen mothers, so in more cases than not, Mary’s beau would have left the building. With fewer unwanted pregnancies, then there would be fewer abortions. And, our teens would have a chance to grow up more before they start having babies. Finally, per Dr, Cora Breuner of Seattle Children’s Hospital, babies born to teens tend to fare more poorly than babies delivered to older age group parents.

I also believe the education part is just as vital. If the young girls and boys hear from respected sources about these very important life issues, they will be better positioned to handle them. More and more kids are not seeing churches in the same light as their parents. Some churches are actually driving people away with their evangelicalism. I firmly believe if you provide more venues to talk in an intelligent way with the teens about their problems, they will attend and listen. They don’t need to be preached to on the subject, but abstinence is an acceptable discussion point. I think it is important to note that you do not have to have sex if you are being pressured into doing so.

Per Dr. Breuner as reported by the LA Times, “We really can do better. By providing more education and improving access to contraception and more education about family planning, we can do better.” Note, Breuner helped write the new policy statement as a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Committee on Adolescence.

Springsteen, as usual, vividly depicts a real world problem. I think his song could be played during the sex education classes. These kids loved each other (or at least thought they did), gave into passion and after unprotected sex, their dreams were over. This is reality. Why should we not finds ways to educate and help before the “point of reckoning” rather than to let the kids figure it out after it is too late. In today’s time, it can be even worse when a STD enters the equation.

Thanks Bruce for your terrific song. “The River” can permit the dream to continue with protected sex. And, for parents and church leaders who want to throw the bible at me, let me quote a truism that I said in my previous post. Teenagers are going to have sex. If you do not believe me, there is an evangelical university within a three-hour drive of where I live. These young church raised kids “go crazy” when they get away from mom and dad. I actually cleaned that up a little from the quote from someone who attended there. So, we should help them on their journey by giving them the tools and education they need.

Increased family size is highly correlated with poverty (redux)

I wrote this about seven years ago and posted it again last year. It is still an important message.

We have a global poverty problem, but what may surprise some, the US has not escaped the problem. Our middle class has been squeezed, but unfortunately, gravity has caused too many of them to fall beneath or just above the poverty line.

There are many reasons for the decline, but it has been occurring over the last 50 years, so all politicians own this issue. Technology advances, globalization, stagnant wages, downsizing of union populations, costly healthcare, etc. are all contributing factors.

Yet, it should be noted that large family size and one parent families are highly correlated with increased poverty. These two factors should not be a revelation, but too many folks look past these causes to others. This a key reason for the importance of family planning to help families manage their family size and health.

Today, I saw a report that noted the US has more teen pregnancies than other western nations. A data point was cited (without a source) that 30% of teens in the 9th grade have sexual relationships increasing to 60% in the 12th grade. The report supported the practice of more holistic sex education in schools, an experiment being promoted in West Virginia, where 1 out of eight births are to teen mother.

The training speaks to more than abstinence and contraception. It speaks to how to say no and not give in to pressure. It discusses sexual assault and STDs. It speaks to relationships and the role sex plays when folks are ready.

Family planning and sex education are key tools in fighting poverty. There is a causal relationship between family planning and fewer abortions, which should give those against family planning some consolation. There is a causal relationship between family planning and lower health care costs. Rather than condemn or not fund these efforts, we should look at the data and support them.