I succeed because I failed (redux)

A key lesson for all of us is we will fail at some point in our lives and we may fail more than once. The key to success is what do you do when you fail. I was struck by this quote from Michael Jordan’s whose basketball prowess and effort should be admired – “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots…I’ve lost almost 300 games…I’ve failed over and over again in my life. And, that is why I succeed.”

With all of his talent, Jordan worked harder than anyone to succeed. He also encouraged others to do the same, so he helped his teammates become better. People that know him say he was one of the more driven people they have ever met. Like many athletes, they are driven to avoid failure, to avoid losing. Jordan also worked at the less popular parts of the game – his defense. As my basketball coach said often, you can have an off night on offense, but you can never have an off night on defense. Defense wins games in almost any team sport.

In my senior year of high school, I was demoted from the first team to the second team. That hurt as there is pride involved with starting. So, I remembered my brother being a terrific sixth man. For those who do not follow basketball, the sixth man is usually the first person off the bench to spell the starters and gets about as much playing time as a starter. So, what did I do about it? I worked my fanny off in practice to be that one person the coach would call upon. I was a good defender, but I worked hard at being a better one covering our best big player in practice every day. I told myself I am going to prevent him from scoring in our team drills today. And, I would go do it.

Two things happened. We were better because he got better as I made him work harder for the ball. Bill Walton, one of the greatest college (and a great pro) players ever to play the game, used to say the best player he played against was his teammate, Swen Nater who made Walton better every day. Nater also became a pretty good pro player. The point to both Nater and my story is we both failed to start, but we did not let that bother us. We worked hard, got playing time and helped our teams win the best way we could. Although it is a different sport, I recall the great golfer Gary Player’s quote when answering a question about a “lucky shot.” Player said “I find the more I practice, the luckier I get.”

One of my sons did not do his best recently and he failed to achieve the success he wanted. He has since righted the ship and is doing what he is capable of doing, but when we were having a conversation about next steps, I told him a story from Coach K, the legendary Duke University coach. I shared with him when I had failed, but added this quote as it is pertinent. Early in Coach K’s tenure at Duke, their season ended with a drubbing from Virginia in the ACC tournament, something like 109-66. At the team party, a booster toasted “Here is to forgetting about this game.” Coach K quickly corrected him, “Here is to NEVER forgetting about this game.” I told my son never to forget this feeling as you need to do your best to avoid feeling this way in the future.

Failure is the best teacher. We should learn from it as it not fun. Life will knock you down, so dust yourself and get back up. But, remember why you got knocked down. The only thing you can control is you. So, make yourself better. There are two key lessons here. Winston Churchill is the greatest leader of the 20th century and the world owes him and his fellow Britains a great thank you for standing up against Hitler. His message was very clear – “Never, ever give up.” If he had, the US would be a very different place today. So, first and foremost, do not give up.

The other lesson is to learn from your mistakes. I have written a blog about my favorite business book – “Built to Last” – which looks at the common traits of highly successful companies. One of the traits is “good enough never is.” Many of these companies actually failed in their first efforts, but did not let that stop them. But, even when they had success, they never stopped improving. There is an old business change line that it is easier to change a company with a burning platform. It is harder to change one that has success. So, when you fail at something, learn from why you failed. Did you not study enough? Were you not prepared enough? But, also after you have success, do not forget to look for ways to improve. Do what it takes to not fail.

Let me close with one final piece of advice – don’t be afraid to fail. Jim Furyk, the great golfer with the unusual swing is noted to be as tough as nails as a competitor. One reason is he is not afraid to fail. He described a story as a very good basketball player on a good team. He wanted to take the last shot even when the other team knew he would. He told the coach the reason is he could handle the failure of missing better than his teammates. Jordan was like that as well. So, don’t give up, learn from your mistakes and don’t be afraid to fail.

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PS – I have added a postscript to this as I want to reference a marvelous piece written this morning by Hugh Curtler at http://www.hughcurtler.wordpress.com on “Contrasting Heroes.” Please read the post and the wonderful comments. I admire Jordan and Tiger Woods greatly for their athletic achievements. They are very similar in talent, temperament and work ethic. Yet, they are also similar in another way as is pointed out in Hugh’s post and comments. Both have failed to use their notoriety to speak out for those who are disenfranchised in this world. I would love for them to remedy this failure and mirror their athletic achievements.

There are three people I mention in my comments to Hugh’s post who did not shirk their responsibilities. Jim Brown, the football great, and Bill Russell, the basketball great, both spoke out against racial inequity and abetted the Civil Rights movement in the 1960’s. But, a real hero is Harry Belafonte, the singer/ actor who used his notoriety to make a huge difference in the US, South Africa and around the world on helping those in need. There is an excellent documentary on HBO that shares the heroic life of Belafonte.

Saturday in the park (April, 2024)

Now that I have left you with an ear worm courtesy of the band Chicago, let me do a walkabout with my mind full of miscellaneous thoughts and pollen. Being a city of trees leads to heavy pollen exposure here. Achoo.

Technology, connectedness, AI….They are designed to help us and do. But, they are our bane when they don’t work well, we have operator error or connected things cause breakdowns in other areas.

Then there is AI which has long grown faster than our ability to control it and will continue to do so. I am reminded of one of the best Star Trek episodes called “The Menagerie” where a very smart race of aliens could no longer fix the machines to run their lives. It gives me pause, as we are not that smart.

I have argued we should use technology, but maybe stop short of connecting everything to one device. When the device or connection is lost, the ability to control things is compromised. It reminds me of the song lyric of the guying wearing his mind on his sleeve, but he keeps losing his shirt.

Another suggestion is to remember prerecorded phone numbers when you call them up. Addresses, numbers, important passwords, get forgotten when unused or remembered. When I hit a name to call, I try to remind myself of the number it is calling. As for passwords, don’t have a device using the app remember them for you.

Finally, please remember this one fact. People want your money. Not all attempts to get it are moral or legal. Phishing occurs often via phone calls, texts and emails. Passwords saved are accessed by folks who are aware when you are online. Hacking occurs far more often than reported, as data hacked is saved and used later. AT&T just had a huge breach on pre-2019 data, for example.

A premise to follow is simple. Nothing is safe. Some are safer than others, but expert hackers find a way to get in. One security guy used the analogy that accessing a hotel’s wi-fi is like eating food off the floor. You don’t know what you are eating.

As for phishers, top of mind there are the IRS scam, Microsoft scam, grandparent scam, local utility scam, Social Security scam, Amazon scam, account breach scam, cybercurrency scam, etc. (If you don’t know these scams, you should familiarize yourself). And, while you are at it, don’t gamble on line and don’t play the lottery. You are just giving your money away.

The biggest selling self-help book (a sequel)

I wrote the following a few years ago after hearing an interview on NPR. It still holds true today.

On NPR, yesterday, the son of Stephen Covey (who has passed away) was being interviewed for Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” This self-help book made it to number 1 on the non-fiction best sellers’ list in 1989 and stayed there for a long while, selling over 25 million copies. It was also the first audio book to hit 1 million in sales.

So, what is all the fuss about? Covey sought to help us find our “true north” principles. He defined “effectiveness as the balance of obtaining desirable results with caring for that which produces those results.”

His seven habits are grouped under three headings – Independence, Interdependence and Continual Improvement.

Independence

1. Be proactive – take responsibility for your actions.
2. Begin with the end in mind – envision what you want and plan.
3. First things first – here he uses a two dimension matrix organized in four quadrants along level of urgency and importance (do the urgent/ important, plan the important but less urgent, delegate the urgent/ unimportant and eliminate the non-urgent/ unimportant).

Interdependence

4. Think win/ win – look for mutually beneficial solutions; Nobel Laureate economist John Nash said we make more money if we look to collectively win.
5. Seek to understand/ then to be understood – use empathetic listening; this jives with a favorite saying – you have two ears and one mouth, use them in that proportion.
6. Synergize with others as a team – there is a great book called “Play to your strengths,” which will help people work with others using their strengths to balance yours for a better outcome.

Continual Improvement

7. Sharpen the sword – seek to improve and grow.

The attached link will give a nice synopsis of each of the above as well as offer better context. Picking just one of the above, item 2 is often overlooked. What does winning look like? What does success look like? Even businesses and governments fail to identify the end goal. As a key example, when the US invaded Iraq, it did not have an exit strategy. So, we stayed and alienated residents.

I was struck by the interview with Covey’s son. He used a couple of examples his father used. When the son did not get into a college class he needed, he told his father. His father asked what do you plan to do about it? When he asked for help, the father said contact the professor. He found out there was a waiting list. His father then suggested to go see the professor. The son did and got into the class. He took responsibility and was proactive.

The second example is his father was very much about owning up to mistakes. The son said the father would apologize often. Think about that. He used an example of a family trip when everyone was late and the father lost his temper. The son remembers the father apologizing for losing his cool, when he had every right to be irritated.

If you have not read the book, it is worth the read. If you want a brief glimpse, click on the link below.

http://www.quickmba.com/mgmt/7hab/

Sociable – a kid’s memory

My wife discovered the following in an old bedside table from my youngest son’s old room, written when he was much younger writing a school assignment on the word “sociable.”

“My mother has always been quite sociable. Even though she may dislike the person she still is talking to, she treats everyone as a dear friend.”

My wife is quite sociable. A key reason is she is the best of listeners. My son is referring mainly to my wife being such a good listener, she attracts people who need an audience. It is not that she dislikes these folks, it is more due to them wearing her down.

Some of these folks are good friends, yet the significant majority of the conversation will be my wife listening. She does prefer others talk about themselves, but a little better proportion of time spent talking would help.

Overbearing people can be debilitating, even when they are good friends. These conversations can wear her out. The best solution she has discovered is having a forced time ceiling to go somewhere allowing her to exit the conversation. She does like these folks. If she did not the solution is more obvious.

I am sure that some reading this have people in their lives who like to hear themselves talk. Bless their hearts. And, bless your ears.

A few resolutions for all to consider

Resolutions. The definition not in the dictionary are resolutions made for the New Year are meaningless lists that will fall to the wayside. As Exhibit A, workout places see an increase in annual membership every January only to see fewer bodies in the place come February.

With this in mind, let me throw out a few resolutions for us all to consider:

– let’s start with a few kind words to people serving you or checking you out of store, even if you think they don’t deserve it.

– to this latter point, please remember you are no day at the beach either. Often the least tolerant among us require the most tolerance.

– if you don’t like exercise, try walking more. After dinner, in the morning, parking further away from the store, not driving to some stores, etc. – just walk a little. It helps with digestion, aerobics, weight, libido, et al and it is more sustainable than running.

– try to eat fewer or less of white foods – the ones loaded with carbs. Potato’s, pasta, rice, bread, etc. This will dramatically help with weight loss and limit exposure to pre-diabetes.

– try to stop one bad habit. If you smoke, find other options. If you vape, please stop. If you drink, find alternatives – fruits, tonic or soda water, non-alcoholic beer, hard candies.

– finally, vote. Too many don’t want you to vote as it assures they will win. That is disingenuous. So, vote. No candidate is perfect, but some are less imperfect than others.

Well, try to do a couple of the above. They just might help.

Now, sixteen years without a drink, but I still have that faint desire

The following is an updated post that was first published on my 6th anniversary of not drinking. The message still holds true, although the urge is still there but fainter.

I am an alcoholic. Yet, today is the sixteenth anniversary of my last drink. I have learned a lot about myself along the journey, but don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, stopping a habit is hard work. The thing I most learned is from an old colleague where we were waiting for our respective flights in an airport restaurant in Cincinnati, shortly after I stopped drinking. She gave me the best piece of advice courtesy of her husband who had stopped earlier that I will share with you now – I am not going to drink today.

You see, while I do not drink anymore, sixteen years later, I still want one. The urge is still there as a faint echo at times and as a stronger urge at other times. Usually, the stronger urges occur when I do something like cook on the grill on Sunday afternoon while watching the golf tournament, football, etc. As an alcoholic, you eventually don’t screw around, so I was drinking scotch on the rocks. Many at a time. Yet, with that said, there are many people with habits off other kinds of drinks. Chris Mullen, the great NBA basketball player spoke of being a beer alcoholic. Tom Watson, the famous golfer, almost derailed his career with wine and scotch.

Two things happened that caused me to do something about my problem while I still could. My doctor told me that taking action before it was too late was a major plus in my favor. Many wait until the train wheels come of the track.The first thing is the wife of a colleague of mine, who I knew and was one of the most vivacious people you would ever meet, died in her late fifties from complications due to alcoholism. To hear the diagnosis after she passed, when no one else knew she had an issue, was staggering. I wanted to see my kids become adults and witness their many life events. I wanted to be there for my wife. I knew I had that problem.

The second thing is what I started noticing at work late in the day. You see, I was what is called a “home drunk.” I would only drink when I got home after work and on weekends. Being a big, tall guy, I could hold my liquor, so I would easily down five or six doubles a night. I mentioned the scotch on the rocks. The scotch and waters drinks diminished the amount of water used over time until the water was no longer necessary. What I noticed late in the day at work is my body would begin craving the alcohol and I would get over-heated and red-faced. I was already on blood pressure medication in a stressful job, so I was a train wreck waiting to happen. It did not help matters that my father was an alcoholic before he quit late in life.

So, I had to stop. I started with a drug called Campril which is designed to wean you of your craving. I did that for a few weeks, but stopped that as well. The key is to substitute a new habit for the old one. If you do not, you will eventually drift back into the old one. I am now a green tea aficionado and drink a lot of fruit juices. At parties, I don’t mind ordering a nonalcoholic beer or tonic water. I don’t mind being around people who drink. Plus, you need to exercise as your sweet tooth can get out of hand due to the craving for sugar. But, the key is the lesson that my friend shared with me in the Cincinnati airport – I am not going to drink today.

It is a daily journey. The craving is still there. You just have to say, I am not going to drink today. People trying to stop drinking know the number of days they have not had a drink. This is the reason. It is a daily struggle. Over time, it becomes weeks, then months and now years of tracking the absence of alcohol use. It is hard, but it can be done. This is one reason people find places like Alcoholic Anonymous. The support group is amazingly helpful. I chose not to go that route, but that was a personal choice. The stressful job did not go away and, most importantly, I wanted to be there for my wife and children, so not going to AA was a time issue for me. If I had not stopped, I would have become a liability. Plus, it has given me a platform to talk openly with my kids about being aware of their medical history in me and my father.

A couple of other benefits of not drinking is your weight (again with the caution about the sweets) is easier to maintain. Alcohol has a lot of calories, so when you don’t drink, you can lose weight. The other is the money. Alcohol is an expensive habit. Take the time to add up what you spend per week on alcohol – the beer, wine and hard liquor. I estimated I was spending over $6,000 per year on alcohol. That can add up. Plus, the other stuff goes away and your health improves

Please feel free to share this with others who may have my problem. They should start with being truthful with themselves, their spouses and their doctors. Doctors have said when a patient tells them how much they drink, the doctor knows when the patient is understating the amount. Tell the doctor the truth. He or she cannot help you if you don’t. Do something while you can. It is hard, but if you do try to stop, remember these words – I am not going to drink today.

Yoga is not anti-Christian

It may surprise people that this old body took a Yoga class with his wife for thirteen sessions. It may also surprise you that I do a short daily routine of exercises after my shower that includes some Yoga stretches and breathing techniques. I mention this next fact as it is germane – I grew up a Southern Baptist and remain a Christian to this day, but must confess I am not a regular church goer.

I have tried on several occasions to encourage a friend to exercise more. On at least three occasions, I have suggested some relative easy Yoga poses and noted the breathing techniques will be of benefit. She noted her breathing has gotten heavier with some unwanted weight gain. But, when I use the phrase Yoga, she shuts me down. Why?

Unlike me, my friend became even more evangelical in her worship as a Southern Baptist. For those not in tune, the Southern Baptists believe strongly that their manner of worship is the only way to find heaven. I know some other religions feel the same, but this is my perspective having grown up with it. People may disagree and that is fine.

She has been taught that Yoga is more about being a mystical religion than it is about improving your body and mind. She has been taught that it is at odds with Christianity. I shared that many Christians do Yoga and if you check out TV commercials about almost any product, you will witness people doing Yoga in the background or forefront. I can count at least 100 commercials that fit this bill.

Yoga is more about being at peace with your breathing, meditation and stretching. Becoming and remaining flexible will serve us all well as we age. But, the breathing is essential as well. It helps oxygenate the muscles as they are used and helps the lung power. People who sing can breathe better because they have to control their breathing between notes. Measured and deep breathing is helpful.

As for the meditation, not everyone does this part. But, it is your brain. You can meditate over any thoughts you want. My wife shared with me a post that spoke of woman starting and building a women’s exercise group at her church. The minister was supportive and appreciated the growing church attendance until he walked in on a class meditating. It was irrelevant that they were meditating over an offered bible verse. The next sermon was on the evils of Yoga and church service declined as a result of his shortsightedness. A link to this post is below.

In my latest suggestion to my friend, that fell on deaf ears, I said let’s don’t call it Yoga, let’s call it George. She laughed but left the Yoga with me. The next time, I will just show her a few different stretches without naming them. My thrust is I want to be able to self-ambulate (walk on my own) until I die. The inability to walk without help is one of the milestones where a person’s demise hastens. Her added weight is causing her concern on this matter, hence my interest.

I am a Christian. I believe in the overarching theme that we should treat others like we wanted to be treated. Yoga was not mentioned in the bible. So, in my way of thinking, if I am making a suggestion to do Yoga as it helps me, I am following the Golden Rule. I am treating another the way I want to be treated. Yoga is not anti-Christian and don’t let anyone tell it is anti-Christian.

Note: Here is a link to the post:

Southern Baptist Yoga

Who’s got the monkey? – a reprise

A blogging friend inspired a revisit to an old topic with her recent quote courtesy of Henry Ford, “Don’t find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain.” It reminded me of an article I read about twenty years ago called “Who’s got the monkey?” penned by William Oncken, Jr. and Donald Wass (see link below).

In essence, the article is designed to help managers budget their time. The authors called the delegation of an assignment – the monkey. The manager has passed along the oversight of this task to a member of his or her team. Yet, what often happens, is the team member will get stumped and bring the problem back and place the monkey on the manager’s shoulders.

The only result of this process is the manager becomes a bottleneck and nothing gets done, as the manager lacks the time. The manager also gets frustrated and stressed. The key theme of this article is for the manager to not accept the monkey back, unless one condition has been met. The monkey comes back with a couple of ideas to solve the impasse. Rather than bringing an unsolved problem back, the subordinate brings a solvable problem that just needs an OK.

So, if a team member just hands the problem back, the manager should not accept the monkey and ask that he or she work through a couple of paths forward. It also provides opportunity for the subordinate to manage up, as well as the manager managing down. So, Henry Ford quote is very relevant, in my view.

https://hbr.org/1999/11/management-time-whos-got-the-monkey

Defend the absent – a brief revisit

Dr. Wayne Dyer was a prolific author and speaker introducing many to his life coaching skills. He had a common sense, not-preachy way of offering his counsel. One of my favorite lessons of his is to “defend the absent.”

What does that mean? When his children would speak ill of a classmate, he would take up for that person. When his children would complain, he would say, since he or she is absent from this conversation, I thought I would defend him or her.

His point was two-fold. First and foremost, no one is perfect. No one. Second, talking about someone without knowing all of the circumstances, does not permit the target of the criticism to defend him or herself. Not that they did not do wrong, but they are not there to defend themselves.

I mention this today as there seems to be open game on anyone with a public history. We seem to judge past actions based on current norms that oversimplifies the issues and context of the day. I am not defending or condemning any decision, I am saying context is important.

As an example, LBJ was a good public servant, but coarse man. He also is criticized for his role in continuing the war in Vietnam. Yet, there was no better leader to navigate major legislation on Civil Rights, Voting Rights, Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Often, he offended people who wanted him to move faster or not move at all. Yet, he horse-traded his way through and these bills were signed into law. He appealed to people’s better angels, knowing he would likely drive some folks from his party.

I use the LBJ example as he is remembered well and poorly depending on the subject. He was an imperfect person in trying circumstances. Everyone will make decisions in their life that they regret. I know I have. So, we should do our best to remember the context and dig deeper. The rationale for the bad decisions may not be so outlandish at the time. Often, those decisions may not seem so black and white at the time.

Rainy days and Mondays

The next song lyric based on the title is “always get me down.” But, it is a mindset that can be adjusted. For example, if it is raining on Monday, that is OK, as you will be at work (if you work indoors) and your grass and flowers will get watered.

We have it in our power to impact our “perception” of the day. If you wake up channeling your inner Eeyore, it will be a gloomy day. If you wake up with your best Tigger attitude, you will perceive more joy.

I recognize things are not perfect in the world, but they never will be. Bad news gets reported as news far greater than its proportion of occurrence in the real world. It has a larger echo, as well, so good news does not stand a chance.

There is also that Serenity Prayer focus where you should be less consumed by things you cannot change. Oh, you can still advocate for righting wrongs, but don’t let it drown you. I have put on my Don Quixote armor many times to chase windmills, but I keep it in my closet more.

I have written more than my share of wondering why people support such an obvious dishonest person as the former president. I have written much about why his sycophants like to white wash his seditious and other abhorrent actions. Yet, if I let it, the concerns can consume me.

So, anytime I see him speak, I usually change what I am watching. I just don’t like being lied to when I know the person is lying. And, take it to the bank, the odds are well in your favor that he is lying if he is talking. Thinking of that Serenity Prayer, the best thing to do is just don’t listen.

We can try to get elected officials and wannabes to tell the truth, but we should not hold our breath. Yet, we can do things in our control. Know who they are and not vote for them. And, discount everything these barking dogs say.

A good tactic with the former president which will give you a chuckle is use your best toddlers’ voice to repeat his mantra. Altogether now, “They stole it from me! I won by a long shot! Mommy!”