What is this BS about women not deserving a career?

There is a movement in some evangelical circles that has been picked up as a rallying cry. Women should aspire to being mothers and let a career be secondary. Let me first set aside this narrow-minded view in that many women and families don’t have an either/ or choice. The female spouse has to work and be a mother.

I have even heard some evangelical bent radio hosts note that it is an assault on masculinity for a wife to work. Of course, it is not. Relationships and marriage are hard work. Whatever combination of genders form the relationship, the people need to work together to earn family income and raise a family.

Single parents don’t have that choice. Half of marriages fail (go back to the hard work comment). Some mothers acted rashly in the heat of passion without birth control and are left with a child, but an absent sire. I read and hear often that parenting is easier with two parents. That is often true but assumes both parents are up to the challenge. In a homeless working family agency I helped with 1/3 of our single mothers (and often the kids) were victims of domestic violence.

But, back to the concept that women should aspire to being mothers first and foremost, the answer is they can do both and many have to do both. Those who think women are not up to the same challenges as men, here are four top of mind examples:

A female colleague of mine whom I shall call D is the best project manager I have ever worked with. D is a terrific organizer and delegator of work and juggled many balls while walking forward. D is loved by her clients.

A female colleague in New York whom I shall call R is the most knowledgeable consultant I have ever worked with on executive compensation for the financial industry. R has terrific customer service skills and adds a dose of candor to any relationship. Ironically, with a college degree, she had to start out as a Secretary back in the early 1970s.

Two of the best client managers in my old company were women, one in Dallas and one in New York. They were tasked with growing relationships with large clients and did it well. Not ironically, they worked hard and were tough task masters expecting the same level of commitment. Of course, they were called the B word, but they could outdo any man in the role.

If men feel threatened by successful, multi-tasking women, that has more to do with them than women. Being an adult man (or woman) has more to do with accountability and responsibility. It has more to do with being a good partner in a relationship to make it thrive. A lesson I learned a long time ago, the best thing a father (or mother) can do is love their partner. This recurring act will offer a great deal of security and comfort to kids.

So, to me this one or the other debate is just noise. In our practical world, you do what you have to do to raise a family and keep them housed, closed and fed.

It is the couple’s decision on whom to marry (a repeat post)

I was fortunate that my future wife asked me to meet her for a drink after work. Yet, before that happened, two of her friends counseled her that I was not for her. We have been married for over 38 years now.

Often, it is the parents who stand in the way of matrimony between their child and his or her chosen partner. While I am sure some disastrous pairings have been averted or delayed until a better time, it is not the parents’ decision and often they are wrong in their initial assessment.

I have a relative whose parents did not want him to marry a young woman. In an all too common rationale, they deemed her unsuitable due to relative standing on the socio-economic strata. They have been married now for over 45 years and are parents and grandparents.

I have a friend whose parents felt the same about his future bride. In this case, the rationale was she was older and had a child. My friend and his wife have been married longer than we have and are now grandparents.

Yet, my favorite example are some friends who were not allowed to be married when they were young and in love. She was the daughter of a Protestant minister and he was Catholic. Religious differences are an all too common reason to deny marriage. These friends each married other people and had families. After they each divorced and a few years had passed, the young lovers got back together and married each other. They have been married now for 30 + years and seem to still enjoy their renewed affection.

For matters of the heart, it is your call. Everyone else may advise you, welcomed or not, but it is your call on whom to see and be married to. I do recognize that a teen living under the parents’ roof needs to listen to parents’ counsel, whether you heed it or not. They do see things you may not. But, as you get older and are about to make a commitment, at the end of the day, it is your commitment, not theirs.

So, parents should counsel wisely and judiciously. Yet, the best we can do is teach our children good values and encourage thoughtful decisions. But, it is their life to live, especially when they make that important step of choosing a life partner. Plus, if a parent wants to assure involvement with the future couple, they need to be supportive not destructive.

Communication between spouses (or partners)

For those of us who have been together for more than a few years, mutual communication sometimes takes interesting paths. My wife accurately accuses me of speaking too softly. What I learn later is I may think she heard what I said, but she may have been too tired to follow-up when I spoke too quietly. So, when I mention I told her something later, she will respond that she does not remember me so doing. This is a version of husband or wife deafness, where you may not hear everything of what is being said. I do it as well.

My wife and I both do the following and that is ask the same question we were asked earlier in the conversation. We get tickled by this, but it will follow a pattern like:
– I will ask “Do you want to leave earlier?”
– Conversation ensues and circles back
– Then she will ask “Do you want to leave earlier?”
– “That is what I asked you.”
– Then we will both laugh.

The funniest communications occurs when neither one of us can remember the name of an actor or actress, a movie, a restaurant, an old friend or colleague, etc., but we both will know what we are talking about. It is a coded language where certain references can get the point across. The dialogue will make no sense to a casual observer, but communication has occurred. It may go like “do you remember that place in Winston-Salem which had that desert the kids liked?” And, she will know.

As for actors and actresses, Iphones have simplified our lives, abetting our memory loss. We can search on the show, look up the cast and find that movie we were trying to think of or the co-star. Yet, it takes some of the fun away with the added clarity. “Isn’t that the guy in the Allstate commercial?” will start a search rather than a discussion.

Finally, couples have a form of non-verbal communication or short verbal clues to pass along a mountain of information. The cue could be touch on the arm, a pinch, a pat on the leg, a small shake of the head, etc. “Don’t go there” is a key message when a sensitive subject arises with a third party. Plus, the other spouse may not be supposed to let a third party know he or she knows a confidential matter. Or, “it is time to leave” is another key message, which comes in handy at the other spouse’s office holiday party. Or, my wife will whisper “don’t bite” when someone is trying to start a political argument.

Let me know if you have some of these communications. I am sure all couples have their own variations.

You remember that place next to the restaurant we liked

This is an example of “couplespeak.” After years of marriage, it is entirely possible the other member of the couple will know precisely where the speaker is meaning. And, neither may actually remember the name of the place or the restaurant used as the landmark. This kind of conversation can surface in a multitude of ways. Here are a few more examples.

Oh, she is that actress who starred in the action movie with the guy we like.

This one usually requires some stumbling add-ons. Because the responding question will usually be, “Which movie are you talking about?” Nowadays, with Google, it is possible to come up with names and trace the movie to the other star. Yet, it is possible for the spouse to know after some add-on suggestions, who the actress and actor are.

Why don’t you make that casserole you made when we had some folks over?

Between the two, the name of the other couple can be surfaced which will help with the mental Rolodex of recipe names. Otherwise, it will be an ingredient hinting exercise. “I remembered it was a chicken and sausage dish.”

Was it Johnny, Susie or Joey that had the whooping cough or was it the croup?

This is not a fill in the blank question like the others. But, if you are a parent of more than one child, some of the younger child illnesses blend together. Your kids will laugh at you if you don’t remember, but they will cease laughing when it happens to them as parents. Also, the diseases do get mixed up some, which is why you keep a list.

What is the name of that singer that sounds like the woman we heard on the American Idol or The Voice?”

It is the “name that person questions” that come up the most. We know both of us know her, yet neither can recall her name. We do need to find some hint that will jog memory or facilitate the Google search.

To others, it will appear we have no sense at all. If you told someone that you could not remember a popular person or place, the other person would think you were crazy. “How can you not know that?” Yet, all couples will eventually migrate to this couplespeak at some point.

Tell me a few of your examples. Which ones did I not capture? When did you first notice this trend?